Mister Toad

Is this Hembo in disguise?

Great news, Ken. I'm glad he's on the mend.

Well, the title certainly had me worried for a while

Nice report. It sounds idyllic. Well done

Well done, janet. Another entertaining report. Congratulations on breaking your duck . Keep up the good work.

I'm doing my bit to save energy. I lie down as much as possible

I have no persoanl experience but I understand that one of the classic trick pulled on the new apprentice was to send him to the stores for a "long weight".

I believe there is also a video version on YouTube where the story is read out by an American newsman who can hardly contain his laughter.

You've probably all read this before but I can no longer read or hear the word Armagedon without being reminded of this: In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the Gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew (Kiki) Farnom, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in." he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon,' my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking that the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnom suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

Happy Birthday Judy :bigemo_harabe_net-193:

I would certainly like to but it would a) involve buying yet more kit (strangely enough, although my wife maintains that she cannot have too many shoes or handbags, she doesn't feel the same about fishing tackle or electric drills) and it would be hard to find the time in beween lake fishing for bream and tench etc, river fishing for chub and barbel etc and the occasional fluff chucking expedition. PS I've just found out that "" appears as and not "" as intended.

Ouch

I feel your pain Well, not exactly. In my case what I caught, or at least, hooked wasn't what I was after whereas you were obviously out for big carp. Oh well - that's fishing, I guess. Better luck next time

Congratulations - well done Still trying for mine

This is a true fisherman's tale as its all about the one that got away I was having a very pleasant session yesterday at Bury Hill. I was feeder fishing one of the lily swims along the long bank of the old lake. I had Activ8 soft pellets in the feeder and lob worm on the hook. I'd caught a couple of nice bream (one about 3lb and one about 5lb) but was hoping for a tench. Suddenly I had this savage bite that even I couldn't miss and felt something very heavy on the line. It felt big but it didn't really do anything so I thought it must be a big bream. I was bringing it in gently and got it to within about ten feet of the bank when this massive pike suddenly swirled on the surface. Now it woke up and started to fight back. There was not much I could do with it (medium feeder rod, 8lb mainline, 6lb hook length) but I was still hopeful of landing my first pike - especially such a big one! Many thoughts raced through my mind - will it fit in my net? How will I unhook it? Can I remember the instructions I'd read about in the magazines? Maybe someone can help me? Unfortunately, these questions must all remain unanswered as very soon the line parted and it was goodbye from Mr Pike. The monstrous creature fixed me with a baleful stare and opened its enormous maw. For a moment, I was staring into the jaws of hell but with a disdainful flick of its mighty tail the great leviathon returned to the fathomless depths from whence it came. Sorry, just slipped into Herman Melville mode for a moment there. I have to say that I was definitely disappointed - my first pike lost and a good one too . I cannot put any sensible weight on the fish but it was easily over 3 feet long. I think it must have taken the feeder as well as the hook bait as the main line was cleanly cut and I lost the whole of the end tackle. Fortunately, I was using a barbless hook as is the rule at Bury Hill and the feeder was attached using a safety clip so, hopefully, the pike was able to rid itself of the tackle without too much trouble. And so ends my fisherman's tale.

Hi Janet, How's the fluff chucking going?

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems.... "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot". So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here." Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears. "This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?" "Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!"shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc..... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?" The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,990 exactly." "Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman (Wait for it...........scroll down.) I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.." OK, I admit it - I found this on another website but I thought you'd all appeciate it

Thanks, Newt. I'll try to remember that for future reference.

This seems to be relevant!! http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/glouces...ire/6252628.stm Sorry, I don't know how to convert the URL into somethng shorter.

Hmmm! Looks like me on a Saturday evening after a few beers while my wife watches one of her favourite films

Can you get hold of a spare spool for your reel?

Personally, I've given up fishing the Thames at Staines because of the number of swans. Forget loose feeding - you haven't got a chance. If its not swans, then, on a Sunday morning at any rate, its the rowing clubs. On at least one occasion, I've had to lift my line over a sculler who was so close to the bank and on another, the ladies on one side of an eight had to ship their oars to avoid breaking them on the boat that was moored just upstream of me. Bearing in mind that the river must be at least 50yds wide at this point. Sorry - bit off topic

Good for you. At least you didn't get a mouthful of abuse or worse

Are you sure

I think there are some people on here who should be in a room with rubber walls, let alone a rubber floor PS Not aimed at anyone in particular but just couldn't resist