Jump to content

Something to offend EVERYONE?

Chris Goddard

By Chris Goddard
in Non-Fishing Chat

 Share

Recommended Posts

Chris Goddard Member

Chris Goddard

Posted
Posted

What is a Yankee?

 

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

 

 

 

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?

 

The position of the dirt bag.

 

 

 

Why is divorce so expensive?

 

Because it's worth it.

 

 

 

What do you call a smart blonde?

 

A golden retriever.

 

 

 

What do lawyers use for birth control?

 

Their personalities.

 

 

 

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

 

20 kgs.

 

 

 

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

 

45 minutes.

 

 

 

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

 

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

 

 

 

Why do men want to marry virgins?

 

They can't stand criticism.

 

 

 

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and

good-looking?

 

Because those men already have boyfriends.

 

 

 

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

 

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

 

 

 

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

 

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

 

 

 

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in grade 7.

 

Who has the biggest boobs?

 

The blonde, because she's 18.

 

 

 

What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?

 

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

 

 

 

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

 

'Are you sure it's mine?'

 

 

 

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

 

Breasts don't have eyes...

 

 

 

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

 

A speech impediment.

 

 

 

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?

 

An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage

along with a recipe.

 

 

 

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... Word?

 

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

 

 

 

What's the difference between a northern USA

fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?

 

A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...'

 

A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiit...'

 

 

 

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?

 

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

Chris Goddard


It is to be observed that 'angling' is the name given to fishing by people who can't fish.

If GOD had NOT meant us to go fishing, WHY did he give us arms then??

(If you can't help out someone in need then don't bother my old Dad always said! My grandma put it a LITTLE more, well different! It's like peeing yourself in a black pair of pants she said! It gives you a LOVELY warm feeling but no-one really notices!))

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Dales Member

Dales

Posted
Posted

They put a smile on my face this morning :D

Stephen

 

Species Caught 2014

Zander, Pike, Bream, Roach, Tench, Perch, Rudd, Common Carp, Mirror Carp, Eel, Grayling, Brown Trout, Rainbow Trout

Species Caught 2013

Pike, Zander, Bream, Roach, Eel, Tench, Rudd, Perch, Common Carp, Koi Carp, Brown Goldfish, Grayling, Brown Trout, Chub, Roosterfish, Dorado, Black Grouper, Barracuda, Mangrove Snapper, Mutton Snapper, Jack Crevalle, Tarpon, Red Snapper

Species Caught 2012
Zander, Pike, Perch, Chub, Ruff, Gudgeon, Dace, Minnow, Wels Catfish, Common Carp, Mirror Carp, Ghost Carp, Roach, Bream, Eel, Rudd, Tench, Arapaima, Mekong Catfish, Sawai Catfish, Marbled Tiger Catfish, Amazon Redtail Catfish, Thai Redtail Catfish, Batrachian Walking Catfish, Siamese Carp, Rohu, Julliens Golden Prize Carp, Giant Gourami, Java Barb, Red Tailed Tin Foil Barb, Nile Tilapia, Black Pacu, Red Bellied Pacu, Alligator Gar
Species Caught 2011
Zander, Tench, Bream, Chub, Barbel, Roach, Rudd, Grayling, Brown Trout, Salmon Parr, Minnow, Pike, Eel, Common Carp, Mirror Carp, Ghost Carp, Koi Carp, Crucian Carp, F1 Carp, Blue Orfe, Ide, Goldfish, Brown Goldfish, Comet Goldfish, Golden Tench, Golden Rudd, Perch, Gudgeon, Ruff, Bleak, Dace, Sergeant Major, French Grunt, Yellow Tail Snapper, Tom Tate Grunt, Clown Wrasse, Slippery Dick Wrasse, Doctor Fish, Graysby, Dusky Squirrel Fish, Longspine Squirrel Fish, Stripped Croaker, Leather Jack, Emerald Parrot Fish, Red Tail Parrot Fish, White Grunt, Bone Fish
Species Caught 2010
Zander, Pike, Perch, Eel, Tench, Bream, Roach, Rudd, Mirror Carp, Common Carp, Crucian Carp, Siamese Carp, Asian Redtail Catfish, Sawai Catfish, Rohu, Amazon Redtail Catfish, Pacu, Long Tom, Moon Wrasse, Sergeant Major, Green Damsel, Tomtate Grunt, Sea Chub, Yellowtail Surgeon, Black Damsel, Blue Dot Grouper, Checkered Sea Perch, Java Rabbitfish, One Spot Snapper, Snubnose Rudderfish
Species Caught 2009
Barramundi, Spotted Sorubim Catfish, Wallago Leeri Catfish, Wallago Attu Catfish, Amazon Redtail Catfish, Mrigul, Siamese Carp, Java Barb, Tarpon, Wahoo, Barracuda, Skipjack Tuna, Bonito, Yellow Eye Rockfish, Red Snapper, Mangrove Snapper, Black Fin Snapper, Dog Snapper, Yellow Tail Snapper, Marble Grouper, Black Fin Tuna, Spanish Mackerel, Mutton Snapper, Redhind Grouper, Saddle Grouper, Schoolmaster, Coral Trout, Bar Jack, Pike, Zander, Perch, Tench, Bream, Roach, Rudd, Common Carp, Golden Tench, Wels Catfish
Species Caught 2008
Dorado, Wahoo, Barracuda, Bonito, Black Fin Tuna, Long Tom, Sergeant Major, Red Snapper, Black Damsel, Queen Trigga Fish, Red Grouper, Redhind Grouper, Rainbow Wrasse, Grey Trigger Fish, Ehrenbergs Snapper, Malabar Grouper, Lunar Fusiler, Two Tone Wrasse, Starry Dragonet, Convict Surgeonfish, Moonbeam Dwarf Angelfish,Bridled Monocle Bream, Redlined Triggerfish, Cero Mackeral, Rainbow Runner
Species Caught 2007
Arapaima, Alligator Gar, Mekong Catfish, Spotted Sorubim Catfish, Pacu, Siamese Carp, Barracuda, Black Fin Tuna, Queen Trigger Fish, Red Snapper, Yellow Tail Snapper, Honeycomb Grouper, Red Grouper, Schoolmaster, Cubera Snapper, Black Grouper, Albacore, Ballyhoo, Coney, Yellowfin Goatfish, Lattice Spinecheek

Link to comment
Share on other sites
John S Member

John S

Posted
Posted

I can think of one or two that might be offended, but I liked it :lol:

John S

Quanti Canicula Ille In Fenestra

 

Species caught in 2017 Common Ash, Hawthorn, Hazel, Scots Pine, White Willow.

Species caught in 2016: Alder, Blackthorn, Common Ash, Crab Apple, Left Earlobe, Pedunculate Oak, Rock Whitebeam, Scots Pine, Smooth-leaved Elm, Swan, Wayfaring tree.

Species caught in 2015: Ash, Bird Cherry, Black-Headed Gull, Common Hazel, Common Whitebeam, Elder, Field Maple, Gorse, Puma, Sessile Oak, White Willow.

Species caught in 2014: Big Angry Man's Ear, Blackthorn, Common Ash, Common Whitebeam, Downy Birch, European Beech, European Holly, Hawthorn, Hazel, Scots Pine, Wych Elm.
Species caught in 2013: Beech, Elder, Hawthorn, Oak, Right Earlobe, Scots Pine.

Species caught in 2012: Ash, Aspen, Beech, Big Nasty Stinging Nettle, Birch, Copper Beech, Grey Willow, Holly, Hazel, Oak, Wasp Nest (that was a really bad day), White Poplar.
Species caught in 2011: Blackthorn, Crab Apple, Elder, Fir, Hawthorn, Horse Chestnut, Oak, Passing Dog, Rowan, Sycamore, Willow.
Species caught in 2010: Ash, Beech, Birch, Elder, Elm, Gorse, Mullberry, Oak, Poplar, Rowan, Sloe, Willow, Yew.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Newt Member

Newt

Posted
Posted

Aye John but then some folks are like the teenage girl who accidentally got pregnant. She took something seriously that was poked at her in fun.

" My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!" - Harry Truman, 33rd US President

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Sportsman Member

Sportsman

Posted
Posted

Nothing offensive there :)

I liked this one on similar lines:

 

 

Why dogs are better than wives

 

1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.

 

2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

 

3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

 

4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

 

5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

 

6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

 

7. A dog's parents never visit.

 

8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

 

9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

 

10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

 

11. Dogs seldom outlive you.

 

12. Dogs can't talk.

 

13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.

 

14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day.

 

15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

 

16. Dogs like to go hunting.

 

17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.

 

18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.

 

19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?"

 

20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.

 

21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

 

22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

 

23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

 

24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad; they just think it's interesting.

 

25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.

 

26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

 

27. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.

 

28. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

 

29. Dogs are not allowed in Harrods or John Lewis.

 

30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff.

 

But if you really want to know try locking both of them in the boot of your car for three hours and then when you open it see which one is most glad to see you ;)

Let's agree to respect each others views, no matter how wrong yours may be.

 

 

Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity

 

 

 

http://www.safetypublishing.co.uk/
http://www.safetypublishing.ie/

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Emma two Member

Emma two

Posted
Posted

V good :). I might question 17 and 18 though.

"Some people hear their inner voices with such clarity that they live by what they hear, such people go crazy, but they become legends"
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Steve Walker Member

Steve Walker

Posted
Posted

We went to see this guy live on Tuesday:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifr4zLZ9lvM

 

(I won't embed it, it's very sweary)

 

Swindon morons did their best to ruin it, and a fight broke out three quarters of the way through the set, but still very funny. Why do people pay to see a comedian and then heckle and demand old jokes?

Link to comment
Share on other sites
chesters1 Member

chesters1

Posted
Posted

i'm offended! mongol johnie wasn't mentioned ;)

Believe NOTHING anyones says or writes unless you witness it yourself and even then your eyes can deceive you

None of this "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" crap it just means i have at least two enemies!

 

There is only one opinion i listen to ,its mine and its ALWAYS right even when its wrong

 

Its far easier to curse the darkness than light one candle

 

Mathew 4:19

Grangers law : anything i say will  turn out the opposite or not happen at all!

Life insurance? you wont enjoy a penny!

"To compel a man to furnish contributions of money for the propagation of opinions which he disbelieves and abhors, is sinful and tyrannical." Thomas Jefferson

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

We and our partners use cookies on our website to give you the most relevant experience by remembering your preferences, repeat visits and to show you personalised advertisements. By clicking “I Agree”, you consent to the use of ALL the cookies. However, you may visit Cookie Settings to provide a controlled consent.

  I accept