HAVE A LAUGH

[greg long]

Suicide Bombings...

 

 

 

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February, from 72 to only 54. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

 

The suicide bomber's union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."

 

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.

 

Thanks to Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

 

Spokespersons for the Union in the north east of England, Wales, and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations, as "there are no virgins in their areas anyway."

 

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what an actual virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise.

[greg long]

DUCKS IN HEAVEN !!!

 

Three women die together in an accident

And go to heaven.

 

When they get there, St... Peter says,

'We only have one rule here in heaven:

Don't step on the ducks!'

 

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,

There are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,

And although they try their best to avoid them,

The first woman accidentally steps on one.

 

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St.. Peter chains them together and says,

'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to

Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day,

The second woman steps accidentally on a duck

And along comes St. Peter,

Who doesn't miss a thing.

With him is another extremely ugly man.

He chains them together

With the same admonishment as for the first woman.

 

The third woman has observed all this and,

Not wanting to be chained

For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,

VERY careful where she steps.

 

She manages to go months

Without stepping on any ducks,

But

One day St.Peter comes up to her

With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on

.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

 

 

 

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

 

The happy woman says,

'I wonder what I did to deserve being

Chained to you for all of eternity?'

 

The guy says,

'I don't know about you,

But I stepped on a

Duck.

[tincatinca]

Have a good read

 

Confucius_sa1.doc

[Slack lines]

I wrote a poem about being skint today. It's called 'owed to a debt collector.'

[Slack lines]

This morning i thought i'd play a little joke on my girlfreind so i swapped her tampons with party poppers... Absolutely no sense of humour that girl.

[Newt]

You say she stuffed the party poppers where? Lubed them first?

 

You are a brave soul.

[Slack lines]

I was walking down the street the other day and I saw these two blind blokes squaring up to fight. I shouted "My money's on the one with the knife."

 

You should have seen how fast they both ran off.

[ayjay]

No matter what your job, try to make the most of it.

 

 

[Ken L]

What do you all an exploding monkey ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A BABOON

[Phone]

Ohh Dear??!!!

 

""""Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”. Mick said,

“Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”""""

 

I had to read it twice.

 

Phone