HAVE A LAUGH

[barry luxton]

A New Mouse for Women

 

After years of research, scientists have discovered that women do not like the standard mouse supplied with PCs.

 

Scientists found that there is no physical reason for their aversion; it is more of a Psychological problem.

 

Some women reported that their mouse "just didn't feel right" in their hands.

 

Based on the research,a new mouse has been designed especially for women.

 

Various field tests have been carried out on the new design:

 

 

 

Julie from Hounslow said:-

'It feels so much better. More comfortable, more like how it's supposed to be.'

 

 

Susan from Chelmsford added:-

'I think mice were originally designed just for men, but this new type is definitely made for women. It fits right in with my lifestyle.'

 

Hillary from Kent said:-

'I took to it like a duck to water, every woman should have one!'

 

Sally from London said: –

" It feels so natural. "

And thats how the war started Edited November 20, 2010 by barry luxton

[Bobj]

DID I READ THAT CORRECTLY?

 

 

Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

 

In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

 

In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

 

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

 

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

 

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

 

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

 

Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

 

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

 

Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

 

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

 

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

[Dales]

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

 

 

You just know that has to be true

[corydoras]

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport , President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

 

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London , where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace , waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

 

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in London . The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

 

The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

 

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

[barry luxton]

A man in Newfoundland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,

 

"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

 

"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.

 

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".

 

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

 

She calls Newfoundland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"and hangs up.

 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

 

[Dalesdad]

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

 

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

 

'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.'

 

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked,

'How much will a brain cost?'

 

The doctor quickly responded, '£5,000 for a male brain; £200 for a female brain.'

 

The moment turned awkward.

 

Some of the men actually had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women.

 

A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted

to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?'

 

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's

just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower

because they've been used.'

[Emma two]

REMEMBER THIS AT YULE TIME

 

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known…... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-bottomed man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost

 

Merry Yule!

Edited December 23, 2010 by Emma two

[Ken L]

That can't be right. let's chuck out Okham's Razor and conclude that Santa stables his raindeer at the south pole.

Makes perfect sence to me.

[greg long]

Of course it's not right, everyone knows women drive from the back seat....

[Newt]

The Redneck went to the hospital because his wife was having a baby.

 

Upon arriving, the Nurse said, "Congratulations, your wife has had quints...five big baby boys."

 

The Redneck says, "Well, I'm not surprised. I have a willy on me like a chimney."

 

The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned. The babies are all black."