HAVE A LAUGH

[Newt]

An Irishman was in a pub and saw two big girls by the bar.

 

Both had strange accents so he said "Are you two girls from Scotland?"

 

One screamed "WALES, you frigging idiot!"

 

He immediately apologized and said,

 

"Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

[Clifftop]

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Athens airport.

 

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

 

"German," she replies.

 

"Occupation?"

 

"No, just here for a few days

[Dave H]

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

 

 

 

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

 

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

 

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

 

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

 

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

 

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

 

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS .

 

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

 

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

 

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

 

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA . THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

 

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

 

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

 

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

 

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

 

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

 

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

 

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

 

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

 

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

 

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

 

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

 

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

 

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

 

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

 

I laughed so much my sugar puffs hit the laptop like a bunch of shrapnel.

They all do it for me but my favourites are

 

14 & 21

[poledark]

Quite liked No 20

Den

[Sportsman]

Three blonde's are stranded on a island when one of them finds a lamp.

They rub it and a genie comes out. He says "You have one wish each."

The first blonde wishes to be 25% smarter; she turns into a brunette and

swims off the island. The second blonde see's what happened and says she wishes to be 50%

smarter; she turns into a redhead, builds a raft and gets off the island.

The third one is astonished by what has happened and decides she'll wish to be 100% smarter.

She turns into a man and walks across the bridge.

[Andrew]

http://www.boreme.com/posting.php?id=27735&page=1

[Sportsman]

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

 

Barman says: "No."

 

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

 

Barman says: "No."

 

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

 

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

 

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

 

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f**king bread."

 

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

 

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any f**king bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f**king beak to the bar you irritating bast**d of a f**king bird!"

 

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

 

Barman says: "No"

 

Duck says: "Got any bread?

[John S]

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

 

Barman says: "No."

 

[snippy]

 

Now that was so silly I couldn't stop giggling

[Zigs]

Me too

 

Just been told by Daughter its from the duck song on you tube.

[ayjay]

A Welsh farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

 

A boy, about 9, opened the door: "Is your dad or your mum home?" said the farmer.

 

"No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with Mum and Dad."

 

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

 

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message." said the boy.

 

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".

 

The boy thought for a moment... "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges £500 for the bull and £50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."