HAVE A LAUGH

[Clifftop]

One night, George Bush was wakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. George B saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I can do for the country?"

 

"Set an honest and honourable example, just as I did." advised the ghost.

 

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the darkened bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I can do to help the country?" asked George B.

 

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of the government," advised Tom.

 

The next night George B saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abe Loncoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I can do to help the country?" asked George B.

 

"Go to the theatre."

[Ken L]

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now . . Cause this is the last stop! And all of you Sons Of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train...cause we're going on down the tracks.'

 

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house.' Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language.'

 

Two hours later, the boy came ou t of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... 'All passengers please remember your things, thank you and we hope your trip was a pleasant one. We also hope you will ride with us again soon.' She heard her little darling continue . . 'For those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

 

As the mother began to smile, the child added, 'For those of you who are **** off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen

[happymondays]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are driving through the desert when their car breaks down. So they have to get out.

 

The Englishman takes a bottle of wine with him, the Scotsman takes an umbrella and the Irishman takes a car door.

 

On the way they meet this old nomad. He says to the Englishman "I know why you've got the wine so you can have a drink when your thirsty", He says to the Scotsman "I know why you've got the umbrella to keep the sun off you", "but" he says to the Irishman "Why have you got the car door?" and the Irishman replies "If I get hot I can wind the window down!"

[Bobj]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.

He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he received another parcel.

Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is extremely furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ar*e and go as a toffee apple.

[barry luxton]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.

He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he received another parcel.

Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is extremely furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ar*e and go as a toffee apple.

 

more please.

[Chris Goddard]

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

 

 

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road

hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

 

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car

and closed the door.. only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.

John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

 

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so,

gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

 

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying

and....wasn't drunk.

 

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around,and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other..

 

'......Look Paddy.....there's that f .. .... idiot that got in the car while

we were pushing it!!!!'

[Ken L]

An Englishman an Irishman and an indian walk into a bar.

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What a marvelous example of an integrated society......

[Bobj]

Keep 'em coming, you blokes. :clap2: :clap2:

[happymondays]

Man and woman are in a very dark wood making love,

Man says "wish I had a torch"

Woman says "so do I you've been licking the grass for the last ten minutes"

[happymondays]

Scouser walks into job centre and tells the assistant "I'm hard working, honest and desperate for a job"

 

The assistant replies "thats fortunate we have just got one in. We need a Chauffeur for a millionaire, which includes looking after his twin nympho daughters whilst on overseas trips, it comes with a salary of £200k a year"

 

The scouser says "your bullsh*****g me..."

 

The assistant replies "you f*****g started it"