HAVE A LAUGH

[Clifftop]

A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in public.

 

At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to the little girl and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose". And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.

 

When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks "Did you powder your nose?" "Yes" said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox. "Well then" says the little girl, "You'd better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out."

[severus]

Ole was walking home late at night, through the park, and sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty dollars," she whispers. Ole had never been with a hooker before but decides, as it's only twenty bucks, he can't afford to miss out. So they go into the bushes.

 

They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them -- a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making luff to my vife, Lena," Ole answers indignantly. "Oh, sorry," says the cop. "I didn't know." "Vell," says Ole, "I din't neder, 'til you shine dat light in her face."

[barry luxton]

Ole was walking home late at night, through the park, and sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty dollars," she whispers. Ole had never been with a hooker before but decides, as it's only twenty bucks, he can't afford to miss out. So they go into the bushes.

 

They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them -- a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making luff to my vife, Lena," Ole answers indignantly. "Oh, sorry," says the cop. "I didn't know." "Vell," says Ole, "I din't neder, 'til you shine dat light in her face."

Sorry to deflate Ole but paddy got there first in post 327.

[severus]

Sorry to deflate Ole but paddy got there first in post 327.

Apologies.

[barry luxton]

Apologies.

No need, i'm sure you'll find one that Ole has done before paddy.

[Newt]

One night, a torrential rain soaked northwestern Minnesota.

 

The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there. Mrs. Johnson was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Lena, waiting for help to come.

 

Mrs. Johnson noticed a baseball cap, floating near the house.Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back towards the house.

 

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Lena, "Do you see dat der baseball cap a floatin' away from da house, den back again?"Lena said,

 

"Oh yeah, dats my husband Ole; I tole dat lazy-such and such he vas gonna cut da grass today, come hell or high water!!!!

[kleinboet]

Sometimes

 

Sometimes you will cry & No-one will see your tears

 

Sometimes you will laugh& no-one will see you smile

 

Sometimes you will fear & no-one will see you shudder

 

Sometimes you will lie & no-one will see you struggle

 

sometimes you'll be late& no-one will seem to notice

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BUT - Fart one time....

[Guest Jan V]

Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge

near a highway in rural Mississippi on the

opening day of deer season. They both saw

a trophy-class buck meandering towards them.

 

As the one hunter raised his gun to shoot,

a funeral procession came slowly by.

 

The hunter lowered his gun, took off his

hat, and stood with his head bowed until

the procession was past. Of course by then,

the deer was long gone.

 

The other hunter exclaimed, "Wow! That

was the most sportsmanlike act I've ever

seen! You allowed this trophy buck to

escape while showing such compassion

and kindness toward someone's dearly

departed. You are a great humanitarian

and a shining example to sportsmen

throughout the world!"

 

The first hunter nodded and said: "Well,

we were married for 42 years."

[Bobj]

A blind man is sitting in a bar. After a while, he yells to the bartender,

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

 

The entire place becomes so quiet you could hear a pin drop.

In a deep, husky voice, the woman sitting next to him says, "Before you tell

that joke, sir, I think it's only fair.... given that you are blind....that

you should know five things:

Number 1: I'm a 6-foot-tall, 175-lb. blonde woman with a black belt in

karate.

Number 2: The bartender is a blonde girl who keeps a baseball bat under

the counter.

Number 3: The lady to your right is a blonde champion wrestler.

Number 4: The woman sitting next to me is a blonde professional weightlifter.

And number 5: The bouncer is a blonde woman who once killed a man in

self-defense! Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do ya still wanna tell that blonde

joke?"

 

The blind man thinks for a second, then shakes his head, and mutters, "Nah..

 

. . . not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times

[poledark]

Brilliant Bob, :)

 

Den