HAVE A LAUGH

[Bobj]

KIDS IN CHURCH

 

 

3-year-old Reese :

"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,

Harold is His name.

Amen."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:

"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

I'm having a real good time like I am."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church,

Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied,

"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,

and I wanted to stay with you guys."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed,

"And forgive us our trash baskets

as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they

were on the way to church service,

"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied,

"Because people are sleeping."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,

'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,

" Ryan , you be Jesus !"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children

when the four-year-old son ran up to him,

grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore

where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said,

"Did God throw him back down?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,

"Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said,

"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

[Bobj]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

 

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

 

Glasgow cop says," Licence and registration, please."

 

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

 

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

 

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

 

Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."

 

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

 

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye have tae to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"

 

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

 

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

 

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

 

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the sh**out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[Guest Jan V]

:bigemo_harabe_net-163:

[barry luxton]

Were's the sauce

 

 

 

One for our Australian mukkers

 

 

 

me

 

 

 

helping dad

 

 

It's tough in America

[Bobj]

Baked Beans...

One day Mary met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on Mary's birthday, her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the countryside she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.

 

On her way, she passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than she could stand.

With miles to walk, Mary figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home, so she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, Mary had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, she made sure that she released all the gas.

 

Upon her arrival, her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led Mary to her chair at the dinner table. Mary took a seat and just as he was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang.

He made Mary promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went the phone.

 

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.

Mary took her napkin from her lap and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, Mary ripped off three more.

The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.

 

When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of Mary's freedom, she quickly fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

Mary's face must have been the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked Mary if she had peeked through the blindfold, and assured him she had not.

 

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

Mary fainted!!!!!!!!!!

Edited November 7, 2007 by Bobj

[Bobj]

Oh! Those Antiquated British Laws....

 

Just reported - British laws and public assessment of their stupidity!

 

"The laws and other regulations were culled from published research into ancient legislation that has never been repealed although subsequent statutes have rendered them obsolete.

 

Respondents were given a shortlist and asked to vote.

 

Most ridiculous British laws

 

1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament (27 per cent)

 

 

2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside-down (7 per cent)

 

 

3. In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless except as a clerk in a tropical fish store (6 per cent)

 

 

4. Mince pies cannot be eaten on Christmas Day (5 per cent)

 

 

5. In Scotland, if someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your toilet, you must let them enter (3 per cent)

 

 

6. A pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet (4 per cent)

 

 

7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the king, and the tail belongs to the queen (3.5 percent)

 

 

8. It is illegal to avoid telling the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing (3 per cent)

 

 

9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of armour (3 per cent)

 

 

10. In the city of York it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient

city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow (2 per cent)"

[Bobj]

Paddy

 

Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

 

"Twenty quid . . " she whispers.

 

He'd never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the heck,

it's only twenty quid ..

 

So they hide in the bushes. They're going at it for a couple of

minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them, it's a police

officer.

 

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

 

"I'm making love to my wife," Paddy answers indignantly.

 

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

 

"Well," Paddy says, "neither did I, until you shone that light in her

face."

[Clifftop]

I was at the cemetary yesterday for a funeral and saw four pallbearers walking with a coffin.

 

Nothing unusual in that.

 

Two hours later, after the funeral, the same four pallbearers were still wandering around with the same coffin.

 

I thought to myself "these guys have lost the plot".

[Guest Jan V]

Paddy

 

Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

 

"Twenty quid . . " she whispers.

 

He'd never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the heck,

it's only twenty quid ..

 

So they hide in the bushes. They're going at it for a couple of

minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them, it's a police

officer.

 

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

 

"I'm making love to my wife," Paddy answers indignantly.

 

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

 

"Well," Paddy says, "neither did I, until you shone that light in her

face."

I'm gonna have to pick Newt up off the floor he's laughing so hard at this one.....

[Chris Plumb]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to discuss marriage.

So they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finance, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time

to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

''How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather trustingly.'Well,' she said, responding very carefully,

'I'd have to say - I would like it infrequently.'

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then looking over his glasses, he casually asked, 'Tell me, is that one word or two?'