HAVE A LAUGH

[jayson69]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

 

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.

 

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

 

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large,

silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

 

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and feet, he grunted

and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at

the pretty lady in the pink dress.

 

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He

suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her

lips and wiggling her bottom.

 

She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises

that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of

her straps fall to show a little more skin.��She did... And the gorilla

was about to tear the bars down.

 

"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.

 

This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

 

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage,

flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

 

"Now. TELL HIM YOU HAVE A FU(KING HEADACHE."

[Clifftop]

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books.............

 

"Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.

 

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

 

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

 

Titanic:. ... cost - $29.99

Clinton: ..... cost - $29.99

 

Titanic: ..... Over 3 hours to read

Clinton:. .... Over 3 hours to read

 

Titanic: ..... The story of Jack and Rose , their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Clinton: ..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

 

Titanic: ..... Jack is a starving artist.

Clinton: ..... Bill is a ???????? artist.

 

Titanic: .... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

Clinton: ..... Ditto for Bill.

 

Titanic: ..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.

Clinton: ..... Ditto for Monica.

 

Titanic: ..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.

Clinton: ...... Let's not go there.

 

Titanic: ..... Rose gets to keep her jewellery.

Clinton: ... Monica is forced to return her gifts.

 

Titanic: ..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.

Clinton: ..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack____.

 

Titanic: ..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.

Clinton:. .... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

 

Titanic: ..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.

Clinton: ..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

[Guest Jan V]

:bigemo_harabe_net-163:

[Ken Davison South Wales]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to discuss marriage.

So they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finance, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time

to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

''How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather trustingly.'Well,' she said, responding very carefully,

'I'd have to say - I would like it infrequently.'

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then looking over his glasses, he casually asked, 'Tell me, is that one word or two?'

 

I thought this one was an excellent play on words and a comment I will have to remember

[Janet]

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

 

Two men were talking.

 

"So, how's your sex life?"

 

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

 

"Social Security sex?"

 

"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

 

 

LOUD SEX

 

A wife went in to see a therapist and said,

"I've got a big problem, doctor.

Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,

he lets out this ear splitting yell."

 

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural.

I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

 

 

QUIET SEX

 

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife

during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

 

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

 

 

CONFOUNDED SEX

 

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn

from his body.

His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood

but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered

cosmetic.

The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium,

$14,000 for "large."

 

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him

to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

 

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

 

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

 

 

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

 

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding

anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

 

'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'."

 

"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that

reads:

Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

 

 

WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

 

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you

happy tonight."

 

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the

doorknobs.

He couldn't get back in.

 

 

ELDERLY SEX

 

One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old

husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing

him off

the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment .. Killing him

instantly.

 

Brought before the court on charge of murder,

the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.

She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have

sex . He could fly."

[Bobj]

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles a day. One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed he was tanned all over except for his "thingie."

So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his thingie; which he left sticking out.

 

Two old ladies were walking on the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the "thingie" sticking up in the sand, she began to move it around with her cane , remarking to the other lady, "There is no justice in the world."

 

The other lady asked what she meant. She said, "When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild on the beach, and I'm too old to squat!

[Clifftop]

ANGER MANAGEMENT

 

Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"

 

Wife: "I clean the toilet."

 

Husband: "How does that help?"

 

Wife: "I use your toothbrush."

[Bobj]

Murphy's Other Laws

 

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

 

3. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

 

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

 

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

 

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

 

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

 

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

 

9. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

 

10. The things that come to those that wait are the things left by those who got there first.

 

11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

 

12. Torch: A case for holding dead batteries.

 

13. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

 

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[Janet]

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

 

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

 

The first woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

 

The second woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

 

The third really beautiful woman came up to him and said, "Have you ever been screwed?"

The fellow said "No."

 

She said, "You will be when the tide comes in."

[Clifftop]

Three Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.

 

About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

 

The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."

 

One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undo yer shorts and we can tell your exact age."

 

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

 

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.

 

Then they all piped up and said, You're 87 years old!"

 

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?"

 

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three old ladies happily yelled in unison "We were at your birthday party yesterday!"