HAVE A LAUGH

[hembo]

A woman goes to the doctor. "Doctor," she says, "I'm worried about my husband. He's started doing this whole Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde thing. I've tried talking to him about it, but he won't listen. When he's normal he denies there's a problem. When he's being 'Mr. Hyde'...well, you can imagine! There's just no talking to him at all!"

 

The Doctor tells her to calm down, "I've seen this a number of times and the treatment is pretty simple. He'll have to start masturbating regularly."

 

"Masturbating? But Doctor, what kind of answer it that? What does that answer have to do with my husband's problem?" the wife asked.

 

"Well you see," the Doctor replied, "in these cases I've found that usually the patient just isn't feeling himself!"

[barry luxton]

Definatly a Hembo one. not mine, i nicked out the paper.

 

One day god calls down to Noah and says; Noah me old china, i want you to build me an ark. Noah replies, no probs god me old supreme being. Anything you want.......... God interupts this time Noah i don't want a couple of decks, i want twenty decks, one on top of each other. Twenty decks say's Noah, well ok. Should i fill them up with all the animals, just like the last time.

 

This time, i want you to fill it up with fish god answers, fish say's Noah, actually i want carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling with carp. Ok god let me get this right, you want twenty decks, one on top of each other, yup and you want it filled with carp, yup.

 

Why asked Noah, as he was getting a bit fed up with this. Dunno says god, i just fancied a multi-story-carp-ark.

[Chris Goddard]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

 

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

 

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

 

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

 

"Morris Fishbein," he replied.

 

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and

praying?"

 

"For about 60 years."

 

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

 

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I

pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our

children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their

fellow man."

 

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

 

"Like I'm talking to the bloody wall."

[Chris Goddard]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

 

'Yes, she says, 'I remember it well'

 

'Ok,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

 

'Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

 

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

 

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt. The old man drops his trousers.

 

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

 

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

 

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

 

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was really something. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

 

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply 'Fifty years ago, that wasn't an electric fence.'

 

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

[ayjay]

My old dad used to say that during the war, the only bomb you ever needed to worry about was the one with your name on it.

 

That used to scare the sh1t out of his neighbours, Mr & Mrs Doodlebug.

[Chris Goddard]

Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: 'Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!' - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, he told his wife: 'Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night.' She said, 'Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?'

So he told her: 'Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh,' she said, 'that is very nice, dear.'

The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: 'Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?'

She replied: 'Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears

[Chris Goddard]

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer".

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by fema le sex ual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night befor e, oft en with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship". In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

For a video to see how beer works click here:

Beer Demo

[Chris Goddard]

For BOB!!

 

Three aboriginals are sitting at the local shops in Meekatharra. The first bloke says to his mate. "Ay Jeffry wot land ya gunna buy wit your dolla's from da govment?" Jeffrey says "I'm gunna buy Arnom land, dat's good land up dere bloke." Then Jeffry says to Lewis "Ay Lewis, wot land you gunna buy?" Lewis says "I'm gunna buy Gibson land... nice place round dere ay!" Then Lewis says to Neville "Ay! Neville wot land you gunna buy dere bloke?" Neville replys "I'm gunna buy LIQUOR LAND!"

 

 

NUTHER!!

 

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce.

 

"Bruce! Bruce!?" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank.

 

A minute later Bruce returned with Frank and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B." Frank said. "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that?" "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum." replied Frank. "Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits." "Play with her tits"? Frank said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?" "No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".

Edited December 7, 2007 by Chris Goddard

[Bobj]

First time I ever read an Australian joke with a pommy/ froggy accent.... :bigemo_harabe_net-163:

[Puggy]

Cheers people, just spent about 2 hours reading through this topic, f**kin great laugh most of it had me in stitches, keep em coming