HAVE A LAUGH

[Newt]

Splinters in the Crotch

 

A woman from Los Angeles, CA who was a tree hugger, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Colville, WA .

 

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

 

In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

 

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

 

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."

[Newt]

Two Tennessee hillbillies, Jed and Bubba, were on a lake fishing. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Jed stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth. This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not standard three.

 

Bubba immediately blurted out, 'Turn the entire lake into beer.'

 

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the lake turned into beer and the genie vanished.

 

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

 

Jed looked disgustedly at Bubba whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment Jed said, 'Nice going Bubba .. Now we're gonna have to **** in the boat.'

[chesters1]

old but good

 

a chap went into a pub ,ordered a pint supped it then put a bag on the bar.

he opened the bag and placed a tiny grand piano on the bar then had a few more sups on his pint

after a while he took out a tiny piano stool and placed it in front of the piano.

he finished his beer and ordered another.

after a while he took from his bag a tiny man ,placed it on the stool and it started playing!

Tune after tune from many composers ,the pub was enthralled!

 

"where did you get it" the barman asked "I've travelled the globe and have never seen anything like it" he gasped

 

"its a strange tale" the pianist owner said " for a pint i'l tell you"

 

The barman pushed a fresh pint across the bar he and the customers learn forward to hear the tale"

 

" it was about a month ago" the man said " not far from here actually"

 

" i was walking along the road and an old lady was trying to cross the road but the traffic was heavy and she seemed unsure"

 

he supped on his beer adding to the stories effect

 

" anyway i took her arm and gently took her across the road" , " we reached the other side and she spoke"

 

"young man " she said " for your kindness i will give you one wish ,for i maybe old but i am also a witch"

 

the chap supped his beer

 

the chap shrugged as the crowd crowded closer ,he uttered

 

" well she maybe have been a witch but she was also bloody deaf as well ,i didnt ask for a 12" pianist "

 

 

another old one

 

A bit of tarmac was walking down the road and decided he needed a pint and popped into a pub

 

propped up on the bar was another bit of tarmac ,after a few pints the propped up tarmac started to brag ,"hey you ,i'm motorway tarmac and i;m the fooking hardest tarmac you can get ,hic"

 

the new bit of tarmac bit his tongue and supped his pint

 

"hey you didnt you fooking hear me ,i'm hard and will rip your head off if i want ,hic" the second bit of tarmac moved away to the corner ,for 20 minutes the original bit of tarmac tried to pick fights with everyone in the pub .

 

suddenly the pub door opened and a bit of red tarmac came in ,the drunk tarmac jumped over the bar shaken to the core ,the second bit of tarmac said " hey wait a minute you said you were the hardest tarmac in the world !"

 

the drunk whispered ,SHHHH hide he's a bloody cycle path"

 

 

Paddy and his mates were resurfacing a flat roof on a block of flats.

"i'm dying for a pee" says paddy

"dont do it on the bloody roof it will stink in this heat" his mates said

Hmmmm paddy gets his brain in action..

"tell you what lads if we push a scaffold plank over the parapet and you stand on it i can walk to the end and pee of it making sure the roofs kept clean"

Paddies mates smilingly agree at this suggestion and push out the plank

paddy shuffles to the end opens his fly pulls out his sausage and starts peeing

suddenly paddies not so brainy chums jump of the plank laughing and paddy plummets down

 

At the inquest the police told the coroner paddies mates said it was an accident but none were looking at the time but they did have an independent witness who was on her balcony at the time.

 

"mrs Smith" the coroner said " can you describe what you saw on that day"

 

"well yes sir a chap hurtled past me and hit the pavement below ,shocking it was "

 

coroner " can you describe the man?"

 

Mrs Smith"not really sir it was a man in a dirty suite wearing wellies"

 

Coroner " have you anything else to add"

 

mrs smith " well yes sir i think he was a sex maniac!"

 

coroner " really why would you think that? "

 

Mrs Smith" well sir as he passed me he had his penis in his hand and was shouting C..........NT "

Edited September 23, 2010 by chesters1

[Chris Goddard]

Complaints from Council House Owners. These are genuine clips from (MORE) council complaint letters:

 

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

 

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

 

3. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow.

 

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

 

5. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

 

6. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

 

7. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

 

8. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

 

9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant

 

10. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

 

11. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

 

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

 

13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

 

14. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC 2.

[John S]

The Pope visited the Archbishop of Canterbury whilst visiting the UK a short while ago. They were sat together amiably one afternoon, and the Pope was doing a crossword in the paper. He filled in one line with his Biro, then paused, and asked the Archbishop:

"I'm not sure about this question, Your Grace. The clue is 'A female relative', and it's four letters, ending in _UNT".

The Archbishop looks up from his own paper and replies: "It's AUNT, I think."

The Pope hesitates, then asks sheepishly:

"Have you got any Tipp-Ex...?"

[barry luxton]

who cares

 

Will I Live to see 80?

 

Here's something to think about.

 

 

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well for my age. (Now almost 70.)

 

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist

asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

 

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

 

'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

 

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued

ribs?

 

'I said, 'Not much.... my cardiologist said that all red

meat is very unhealthy!'

 

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf,

sailing, hiking, or flying?'

 

'No, I don't,' I said.

 

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of

sex?'

 

'No,' I said.

 

He looked at me and said,...

 

Then why do you even give a sh!t?

[ayjay]

If you've ever dressed a child.......................

 

 

 

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her early class pupils put on his boots?

 

 

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

 

 

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.. ' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

 

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

 

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

 

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

 

No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear 'em..'

 

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

 

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

 

 

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

 

 

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

[barry luxton]

Tis true, or might be...........................

 

 

 

 

 

 

A TV INTERVIEW WHICH WAS NEVER AIRED IN IRELAND ....

 

 

You know there are so many TV channels, each starved of new programs.

 

In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter....

 

The interview was as follows:

 

The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease... Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

 

The farmer stared at the reporter and said: ...............

"Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

 

Reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information.But what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

 

Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

 

Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

 

Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day.... And only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

 

The program was never aired...

[Clifftop]

nice one Barry

[Bobj]

English Tourists...

 

This was sent from Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the guests' complaints during the season.

 

(Survey by Thomas Cook and ABTA)

 

 

 

"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does

not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

 

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often

needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

 

"On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every

restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

 

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring

our swimming costumes and towels."

 

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a water hole, who spotted

a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant

beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

 

A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in

by staff, when in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the

back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

 

"The beach was too sandy."

 

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure

shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

 

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and

strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

 

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined

as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

 

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street

trader, only to find out they were fake."

 

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were

startled."

 

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took

the Americans three hours to get home."

 

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends'

three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

 

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'.. We're

trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

 

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The

food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

 

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

 

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests

before we travel."

 

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

 

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a

double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find

myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the

room that we booked."