HAVE A LAUGH

[Bobj]

:bigemo_harabe_net-163: :1a:

[Bobj]

They Walk Among Us

=====================

 

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his

old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:

"Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the

fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually

decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to

be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50."

The next day someone stole it.

 

Caution... They Walk Among Us

 

================

 

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate

agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want

the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in

The North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and

has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with

that stuff." ....

 

They Walk Among Us!

 

================= ===

 

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.

One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center

was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day,

7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"

Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific." ....

 

They Walk Among Us!

 

====================

 

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we

overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about

the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a

convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving." ....

 

They Walk Among Us!

 

====================

 

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a

seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.....

 

They Walk Among Us!

 

====================

 

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases

were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases.

The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....

 

They Walk Among Us!

 

====================

 

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a

nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said,

"Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a

person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the

head is turned...

 

They Walk Among Us!

 

====================

 

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the

lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags

never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained

professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me,

"has your plane arrived yet?"...

 

They Walk Among Us!

 

====================

 

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to

go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would

like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before

responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6

pieces.

 

Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.

[Slack lines]

Frank & Edith met at a Senior citizens function & they seemed to enjoy each others company.

 

After a few drinks at the function, Frank invited Edith back to his place for further drinks & Edith accepted his offer.

 

They ended up together in bed together, where short but feverish activity followed, then after all passion was spent, they lay quietly side by side, each with their own thoughts.

 

Frank was thinking “OMG, It felt as though she was a virgin, had I known beforehand I would have taken a much gentler approach.”

 

Edith was thinking “If I had known the old coot could still get it up, I would have taken my panty hose off!”

[Slack lines]

I needed a few days off work, but I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "crazy" then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss would think I was "crazy" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the boss asked her, "And where do you think you're going?"

 

 

(You're gonna love this.....)

 

 

 

 

She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark!"

[Bobj]

*************CLEVER BUSINESS SIGNS*****************

 

At an Optometrist's office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

 

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

 

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

 

On a Plumber's Shop:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

 

On the trucks of a Plumbing Company:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call us."

 

Pizza Shop Slogan:

"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

 

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:

"Invite us to your next blowout."

 

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:

"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

 

At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

 

Another Pizza shop slogan:

"Buy our pizza. We knead the dough."

 

On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

 

In a Nonsmoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and put you out."

 

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:

"We're #1 in the #2 business."

 

On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

 

On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

 

At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

 

Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

 

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"We'll be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

 

At a New Orleans waste disposal company:

"Our business is picking up, but it still stinks."

 

At the Electric Company:

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be de-Lighted."

 

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Please drive carefully. We'll wait."

 

At a Propane Filling Station:

"Tank heaven for little grills."

[severus]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

 

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

 

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

 

*******************

 

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Denny the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

 

"Oh yeah?" said Denny, "And how did this one end?"

 

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

 

"Really," said Denny, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

 

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

[Clifftop]

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.

The nurse starts with certain basic items.

"How much do you weigh?" she asks.

"115," she says.

The nurse puts her on the scale.

It turns out her weight is 140.

 

The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"5 foot 8," she says.

The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".

 

She then takes her blood pressure

And tells the woman it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" she screams,

"When I came in here I was tall and slender!

Now I'm short and fat!"

[Bobj]

Ecsell....exall....ecksal.....pretty good, you blokes. :yeah:

[Bobj]

PADDY, THE IRISH DOCTOR

A Doctor wanted to get off work and play golf, so he approached his Irish assistant Paddy.,

"I am going golfing tomorrow Paddy and I don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients"

"Yes, sir!" answers Paddy.

The doctor goes off to golf and returns the following day and asks: So, Paddy, how was your day?

Paddy told him that he took care of three patients.

"The first one had a headache so I gave him Panadol."

"Bravo Mate and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Asprin".

"Excellent. You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a woman possessed,

she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table,

spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I haven't seen a man!'"

"Good God “says the doctor.”What did you do?"

"I put drops in her eyes!"

[severus]

Top 17 Country Songs

 

17. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

16. It's Hard To Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed my Ass Out All Day

Long

15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Her

7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison Now

6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring and I Got the Finger

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Were Pure

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I've Sure Woke Up

With A Few