HAVE A LAUGH

[Bobj]

One For The Ladies

WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T MEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(so they won't hump women's legs at parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don't know....it never happened)

( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

 

And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

 

 

 

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart

...Then you are just an old sour fart.

[poledark]

I'm laughing (thank goodness)

 

Den :)

[Slack lines]

Jock went into the dentists & ask to see a dentist.

 

He said to the dentist “How much mon to fix a toothache?”

 

The dentist explained usually about 120 pounds, unless there was remedial work,

root canal or suchlike required, in which case it would be considerably more.

 

Jock was noticeably shocked saying “Then how much for an extraction?”

 

The dentist replied “Usually about 100 pounds”

 

Jock reacted by exclaiming “Hoots mon, din nae have anything cheaper?”

 

The dentist said “Not really that is a fairly standard charge which includes the x rays,

anesthetic & aftercare medication.”

 

Jock then asked “Well how much, without the x rays & medication?”

 

The dentist scowled as he said “I certainly would not recommend it but if we dispensed with those two items, probably 80 pounds”

 

Not yet satisfied Jock asked yet again “How much then without anesthetic?”

 

The dentist winced at the thought of it saying “The pain would most likely be almost

unbearable without anesthesia, but if you were determined to go without, then the cost would be around 60 pounds”

 

Jock looked much relieved saying “Hoots mon, that is more like it! Book the wife in for Thursday will you!”

[Slack lines]

A guy walked into a bar & looking around he saw the only others there, were two absolutely “drop dead” gorgeous girls & an unbelievably ugly guy, an old, wizened, troll of an individual(imagine Bluezulu )

 

He decided he would like to make a “move” towards the girls so hurried off to seek his friend from the snooker room, told him about the girls & suggested they try their luck.

 

His friend readily agreed but by the time they returned to the bar it was completely empty apart from the barman.

 

Totally baffled he asked the barman “What happened to the two girls that were here a short time ago?”

 

The barman said “Oh, they invited the old guy to go back to their flat for the evening”

 

The guy was dumbstruck “What that ugly old troll! What did he say to them, to entice them want to do that?”

 

The barman answered “He did not say a thing, he just sat there most of the evening licking his eyebrows, from time to time!”

[Bobj]

Funny Auto Insurance Claim Excuses

 

These excuses were on accident claim forms of a major insurance company. ere asked for a brief statement describing their particular accident.

 

1. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

 

2. I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.

 

3. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

 

4. The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. (Good shot)

 

5. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. (I can believe that)

 

6. The accident occured when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

 

7. I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

 

8. I was on my way to the doctor's with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

 

9. As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

 

10. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end. (Surprising how fast they move, hey?)

 

11. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

 

12. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

 

13. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

 

14. When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

 

15. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.

 

16. I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

 

17. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

 

18. The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

[Bobj]

Ten Rules For Golf........

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF.

[Slack lines]

Jim met this lady at a night club & although initially he thought she was a bit overweight, as the evening wore on he found they were getting on really well together.

 

They enjoyed quite a number of drinks & dancing together, then when it was time to go, he invited her to spend the night at his place.

 

She accepted so thereafter followed a night of wild passion & when they awoke next morning she said “That was really wonderful Jim, but I have a confession to make, would be unfair not to tell you”

 

Jim asked “What is it?”

 

She said “I don’t quite know how to tell you about this, but the fact is several years ago I used to be a hooker”

 

Jim looked at her n an understanding fashion, saying “That is O.K. everyone has their secrets, I am quite comfortable about that, now that you have told me” then added “In fact if you feel it helps, you can tell me more about it if you wish”

 

“Oh you are so wonderfully understanding Jim” she sighed then said “My name was Nigel & I played for the Springboks!”

[Clifftop]

[severus]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

 

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

--------------------------------------------------

 

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, "pretend you're a statue."

 

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." Nothing else was said about it, not even when they went to bed.

 

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, "Take this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

[Slack lines]

Paddy was eager to complete his training for acceptance into the SAS.

 

He had excelled at most things & was facing his final test an airborne parachute jump.

 

Several of his fellow trainees leapt from the plane but when it came to Paddy’s turn he froze at the doorway.

 

The instructor in trying to encourage him to jump said “Come on Paddy, you have nothing to worry about, you have your main chute & also an emergency chute” He went on to further encourage him by saying “This is your final test, when you reach the ground, there will be a truck waiting to take you back to base where you can have a few drinks in the mess, then afterwards you will be awarded your SAS qualifying medals”

 

Paddy was nevertheless still petrified & clinging onto the door surrounds for all he was worth.

 

The instructor decided drastic action was required, so lifted his boot driving it into Paddy’s back forcing him from the aircraft.

 

As Paddy plummeted towards the ground he pulled the ripcord to his main chute but it failed to open. He then tried his emergency chute which also failed to open.

 

He shouted to himself “Just my bloody luck & I bet the truck will not be there to pick me up either!”