HAVE A LAUGH

[Bobj]

A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in

>the groin area.

>

>The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his

>desk.

>

>He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under. A little perplexed, she

>hears snip, snip, snip, snip.

>

>

>The doctor emerges from under her skirt.

>

>"How's that?"

>

>"Well, it's a lot better actually, but...........it's still there."

>

>Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt.

>

>

>Snip, snip, snip, snip. Out he comes.

>

>" How's that?" he asks again more confident.

>

>That's wonderful! What did you do?"

>

>

>"I trimmed the top of your Ugg boots."

[Bobj]

A Father's Advice

 

[Clifftop]

[Bobj]

Two Women Talking In Heaven:

 

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

 

2nd woman: Hi! I 'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

 

1st woman: I froze to death.

 

2nd woman: How horrible!

 

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit Shaking from the cold,I

began to get warm & Sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.

What about you?

 

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that

my

husband

was cheating, so I came Home early to catch him in the act.

But instead, I found him all by himself in The den watching TV.

 

1st woman: So, what happened?

 

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another Woman there

somewhere that I started running all Over the house looking. I ran up into the

attic and Searched, and Down into the basement. Then I went through

Every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept This up until I had looked

everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over

with a Heart attack and died.

 

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the Freezer........

We'd both still be alive.

[Bobj]

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the

mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

 

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the

whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on

his way with a gift cheque for £50.

 

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

 

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch

whisky.

 

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her

lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom

where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever

experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde

fixed him a full English breakfast: bacon, eggs, sausages and tomatoes

with freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured

him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note

sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too

wonderful for words", he said, "but what's the five quid for?"

 

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today

would be your last day and that we should do something special for you". "I

asked him what to give you". He said, "screw him. Give him a fiver". She

smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea".

.

[Clifftop]

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked

"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said.

"Let me guess...

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

 

Smallcox?"

[poledark]

Three more gooduns Bob

 

Den

[Bobj]

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked

"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said.

"Let me guess...

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

 

Smallcox?"

 

And I thought it was neemonia and dicktheria?????????

Still, a good one, mate. :thumbs:

[poledark]

Picked this up on another site

 

There was this intrepid hunter who went on his first safari in deepest, darkest Africa. As a novice to the area , he was warned by the bearers that it was the cursed foo bird season. When he enquired as to what form the curse took, he was told that one mustn't shoot the birds. If one defies the curse and does shoot a foo bird, it will fly over the shooter and defecate all over him/her before it dies. But that's not all. If one wipes the excrement off, he/she will die horribly.

Our hunter was not totally believing. The safari was not very fruitful in desired game animals but there were foo birds in abundance. After days of not firing a shot and the expedition drawing to a close, our hunter decided to take a shot at a foo bird out of frustration. True to the curse, the bird flew over our hunter and evacuated its bowels all over him. A little stunned at the first part of the curse coming to pass, our hunter decides not to wipe it off in case the second part of the curse is also true.

Days go by, the expedition ends without further incident and its time to journey home. The stench from the faeces is becoming unbearable and our hunter decides to risk cleaning himself up. Sure enough, he dies - a horrible, lingering death.

The moral of the story is

If the foo sh*ts, wear it.

 

Den

[Ian FG]

A 47 year old man has a face lift for his birthday. On his way home from

the clinic he pops into the newsagent to buy a paper. Before leaving he

says to the newsagent, " I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do

you think I am?" "About 35." is the reply. "I'm actually 47 years old"

the man says, feeling really happy. Next he goes into the fish and chip

shop and, again, before leaving he asks the same question, to which the

reply is,"Oh, you look about 29." This makes the man feel really good.

While standing at a bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She

replies, "I'm 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young

there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your

trousers and play with your wedding tackle for ten minutes I will be able

to tell your exact age." The man thinks about thinks "What the hell" and

lets her slip her hand down his trousers. Ten minutes later the old lady

announces, "You're 47 years old." Stunned, the man says, "That was

brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you

in the chip shop."

 

=======================================

 

Last week I crashed into the back of a car. The bloke got out, believe it or not he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'M NOT F****** HAPPY"

I said, "Well which one are you then?"