HAVE A LAUGH

[Newt]

A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE:

We will heel you,

We will save your sole,

We will even dye for you.

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

Dr. Jones, at your cervix.

In a Podiatrist's office:

Time wounds all heels.

At an Optometrist's Office:

If you don't see what you're looking for, You've come to the right place.

On a Plumber's truck :

We repair what your husband fixed.

On another Plumber's truck:

Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

Invite us to your next blowout.

On an Electrician's truck:

Let us remove your shorts.

In a Non-smoking Area:

If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.

On a Maternity Room door:

Push. Push. Push.

At a Car Dealership:

The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

Outside a Muffler Shop:

No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

At the Electric Company:

We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.

However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.

In a Restaurant window:

Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

Drive carefully. We'll wait.

At a Propane Filling Station:

Thank Heaven for little grills.

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:

Best place in town to take a leak.

And the best one for last:

Sign on the back of a Septic Tank Truck:

Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises

[Ken L]

On a Sikh owned builder's van in Smethwick:

"You've tried the cowboys, now try the Indians".

[Bobj]

The pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a pay rise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded, so would his salary.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubber boots."

The entire congregation rose and said, "Amen!"

[Bobj]

The owner of a golf course on the Queensland Gold Coast was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Queensland and I need some help.

If I was to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

[Clifftop]

A man comes home to find his mate in bed with his wife so he stabs and kills him.

His wife says " keep carrying on like that and you'll have no mates left.

[Newt]

[ACTUAL] HEADLINES FROM 2004:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

[imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong

in Jet Crash, Expert Says

[no, really?]

Police Begin Campaign

to Run Down Jaywalkers

[now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris

around Uranus?

[not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails;

Veterinarian Takes Over

[what a guy!]

Miners Refuse

to Work

after Death

[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to

Try Shooting Defendant

[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope

for Peace

[i can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,

It May Last Awhile

[you think?!]

Cold Wave Linked

to Temperatures

[who would have thought!]

Enfield (London)

Couple Slain;

Police Suspect Homicide

[they may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds

Up New Bridges

[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning

Faces Battery Charge

[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity

Looks for Larger

Test Group

[weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes

Blame for Gas

in Spacecraft

[That what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make

Nutritious

Snacks

[Taste like chicken!]

Chef Throws His Heart

into Helping Feed Needy

[That was really giving of himself!]

Local High School

Dropouts Cut in Half

[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued

by 7 Foot Doctors

[boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through

Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

[nuff said!]

[Clifftop]

Little Johnny walked in one day on his daddy in the bathroom. He asked his father what that was hanging between his legs.

His father replied that it was the perfect penis. The next day at school, Johnny pulled his pants down in front of his classmates.

''What's that?'' asked Jenny.

''Well,'' said Johnny, ''if it was about 3 inches smaller, it would be the perfect penis.'''

[Bobj]

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a

40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

 

4. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very

hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it

disappeared.

 

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be

depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but

forgetful.

 

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

 

12. She is numb from her toes down.

 

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

 

14. The skin was moist and dry.

 

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

 

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

 

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

 

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she

got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical

therapy.

 

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

 

21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

 

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

 

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

 

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

 

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

 

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

 

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

 

28. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

 

29. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate

directions in early December.

30. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on

the abdomen and I agree.

 

31. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a

stock broker instead.

32. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was

feeling better.

 

 

[Newt]

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all the places get filled up.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting used to sleeping late now. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your bunk and shine some stuff. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not that bad, because there's warm water here. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and, Elmer you can always sit by the city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "forced marches," which the platoon sergeant says is necessary to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "forced march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in big trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting awards for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with them boys back home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

[Bobj]

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

 

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

 

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

 

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said

'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'

 

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied,

 

'Father, it's me, --- Sister Kathleen.'