HAVE A LAUGH

[Newt]

"I've outlived my dick."

A Poem from an unknown author in the 1930s.

(note that, regardless of what you can read in many internet articles, while country singer Willie Nelson did use the title in an interview, he DID NOT write the poem)

My nookie days are over,

My pilot light is out.

What used to be my pride and joy,

Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,

From my trousers it would spring.

But now I've got a full time job,

To find the friggin thing.

It used to be embarrassing,

The way it would behave.

For every single morning,

It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,

It sure gives me the blues.

To see it hang its little head,

And watch me tie my shoes!!

[Ken L]

I was out for a walk when I encountered 3 Muslim women in full burqa.

I thought to myself I should make an effort and try to talk to them to understand their culture and welcome them to mine.

I tried talking to them for about ten minutes, without a single response, not even a sound.

Then I realized I was talking to 3 outdoor umbrellas!

 

 

[Ken L]

I want to die like my dad did - peacefully in his sleep.

 

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

[ayjay]

I asked my Welsh mate how many girlfriends he'd had: he fell asleep when he started counting them.

[Newt]

LOL - that one took me a minute.

[Clifftop]

Paddy said to Murphy

I broke into a shop last night and nicked this load of pictures

The cheapest one is worth £180,000 !

Murphy replied you've robbed an Estate Agents you dozy sod

Edited January 31, 2016 by Clifftop

[Clifftop]

This blonde was selling her pet python on eBay.

 

 

A bloke rang up and asked if it was big.

 

 

She said, "It's massive."

 

 

He said, “How many feet?"

 

 

She said, “None ... it's a *#**#. snake !!”

[Bobj]

Late Night Phone Call To The Vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbour`s male dog

while the neighbours were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds,

rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to

disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late,

she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection

and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked on me," he replied.

[corydoras]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same..'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

[John S]