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Great as humour, bad as adverts...

 

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

 

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

 

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

 

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

 

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

 

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

 

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

 

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

 

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

 

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

 

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Sheppard and an Alaskan Hussy.

 

Great Dames for sale.

 

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

 

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

 

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

 

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

 

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

 

:thumbs::thumbs:


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Cheers, Bobj.

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:lol::lol:

Wingham Specimen Coarse & Carp Syndicates www.winghamfisheries.co.uk Beautiful, peaceful, little fished gravel pit syndicates in Kent with very big fish. 2017 Forum Fish-In Sat May 6 to Mon May 8. Articles http://www.anglersnet.co.uk/steveburke.htm Index of all my articles on Angler's Net

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The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

 

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

 

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

 

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

 

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

 

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

 

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!"

 

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your vehicles on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."


ocker-anim.gifROO.gif

 

 

Cheers, Bobj.

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Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

>> Female customer: A white one...

>> ===============

>> Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.

>> Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?

>> Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

>> Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

>> Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

>> ===============

>> Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.

>> Customer: Your left or my left?

>> ===============

>> Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?

>> Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

>> Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...

>> Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates!

>> ===============

>> Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I

>> try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted

>> the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

>> ===============

>> Customer: I have problems printing in red...

>> Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

>> Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

>> ===============

>> Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

>> Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

>> ===============

>> Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

>> Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

>> Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

>> Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

>> Customer: OK

>> Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

>> Customer: Yes

>> Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?

>> Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

 

>> ===============

>> Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as

 

>> in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.

>> Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

>> ===============

>> Customer: I can't get on the Internet.

>> Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

>> Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

>> Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

>> Customer: Five stars.

>> ==============

 

>> Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?

>> Customer: Netscape.

>> Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.

>> Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

>> ===============

>> Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has

>>placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

>> ===============

>> Tech support: How may I help you?

>> Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

>> Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

>> Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the

>> address, but how do I get the circle around it?

>> ===============

>> A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a

>> problem with her printer.

>> Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

>> Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The

>> man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

>> ===============

>> And last but not least...

 

 

>> Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the

>> same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to >> bring up the Program

>> Manager."

>> Customer: I don't have a P.

>> Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.

>> Customer: What do you mean?

>> Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.

>> Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT


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Cheers, Bobj.

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BRAIN CRAMPS

 

 

 

( On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

 

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

 

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

 

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

 

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

 

--Mariah Carey

 

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

 

--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

 

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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

 

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

 

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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"

 

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

 

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"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."

--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents. (No, she wasn't hiding anything.)

 

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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

 

--A congressional candidate in Texas.

 

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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

 

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

 

``````````````````````````````````

 

 

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

 

--Al Gore, Vice President

 

 

 

```````````````````

 

 

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix

 

--Dan Quayle

 

 

 

``````````

 

 

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca

 

 

 

```````````

 

 

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -

 

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

 

 

 

````````````````````````````````````````````

 

 

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people

 

--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

 

 

 

`````````````````````````````````

 

 

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

--Bill Clinton, President (Ex)

 

 

 

``````````````````

 

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

 

--Al Gore,

 

 

````````````````

 

 

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."

 

--Keppel Enderbery

 

 

 

````````````````

 

 

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

 

--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

 

 

 

````````````````````````````````````````````

 

 

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

 

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman


ocker-anim.gifROO.gif

 

 

Cheers, Bobj.

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Out of the mouths of babes.....

 

Children Write About the Sea

 

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

 

Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

 

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

 

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

 

A dolphin breaths through an a##hole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

 

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

 

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

 

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

 

I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

 

Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

 

My Mom has fishnets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)

 

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

 

When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7)

 

When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors. (Valerie age 6)

 

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

 

On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)

 

 

:clap::clap::clap: exellent Bobj but you will have to slow down on the posts its getting too hard to keep up.


my mind not only wanders-- sometimes it leaves completely.

 

 

Updated 7/3/09

http://sites.google.com/site/pomfred/

 

 

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:clap::clap::clap: exellent Bobj but you will have to slow down on the posts its getting too hard to keep up.

 

 

I'll promise to type slower next time, mate. ;);)

 

South Australians are known to be slow readers. ;);)

Edited by Bobj

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Cheers, Bobj.

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pic03902.jpg

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Cheers, Bobj.

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Four people were in a train compartment. A lovely young blonde, a really ugly old lady, a Frenchman and an Englishman. The train entered a long dark tunnel and halfway through there was the sound of an almighty slap and a loud cry of pain.

When the train re-emerged into the light it was seen that the Frenchman had a very red handprint on the side of his face.

The blonde thought " I know what happened there. That French swine tried to grope me, got the old lady by mistake and she clocked him."

The old lady thought "I know what happened there. That slimey Frenchmman tried to grope the blonde

and she has given him a right good slap."

The Frenchman thought " I know what happened there. That bloody Englishman groped the blonde, she thought it was me and clouted me for nothing."

The Englishman thought " I hope there is another tunnel coming up, I'll give that French git another one"

 

Cheers all

 

Bill

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Four people were in a train compartment. A lovely young blonde, a really ugly old lady, a Frenchman and an Englishman. The train entered a long dark tunnel and halfway through there was the sound of an almighty slap and a loud cry of pain.

When the train re-emerged into the light it was seen that the Frenchman had a very red handprint on the side of his face.

The blonde thought " I know what happened there. That French swine tried to grope me, got the old lady by mistake and she clocked him."

The old lady thought "I know what happened there. That slimey Frenchmman tried to grope the blonde

and she has given him a right good slap."

The Frenchman thought " I know what happened there. That bloody Englishman groped the blonde, she thought it was me and clouted me for nothing."

The Englishman thought " I hope there is another tunnel coming up, I'll give that French git another one"

 

Cheers all

 

Bill

I realised at the punch line that I had heard that one before Bill but I am still laughing, thanks for reminding me :rolleyes:


Want to buy a berleybomb? email sales( remove brackets@)berleybomb.com

 

"My imaginary friend doesn't like your imaginary friend is no basis for armed conflict...."

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