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I ordered a Chinese meal last night. Chinese driver came to our door and I walked out to meet him. He started shouting "isolate" "isolate" I said you’re not that late, I only ordered 25 minutes ago!

I was naked when I met the postman at the front door this morning. I don't know what surprised him most, that I was naked, or that I knew where he lived. I've been told that a good way of letting

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An Australian joke.

 

"The head of the extreme green anti-fishing mob (that was responsible

 

for the banning of horses in Nat parks and forests) was getting down out of

 

a tree that looked out over the nat parks when a Frogmoutth owl attacked her

 

for being near her nesting site.

 

 

 

In a panic to escape she slid down the tree, getting splinters in her

 

crotch. In pain she staggers to the nearest doctor, and in the exam room

 

told him who she was and how she got the splinters.

 

 

 

The doctor listened with great patience and told her to wait and he

 

will be back.....Three hours later he returned and she spewed out "where the

 

hell have you been"

 

 

 

He smiled and said "well, I had to get permits from the EPA ,the

 

Forestry Service ,Nat parks ,Rural Fire and the conservation of land

 

managment before i could remove old groth timber from an unused recreational

 

area.....Im sorry they turned me down".

 

 

 

The moral to the story dont **** off a fisherman. You never know what

 

job they might have!

ocker-anim.gifROO.gif

 

 

Cheers, Bobj.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

 

Eventually, Corkers the archangel found him on the seventh day resting.

 

He enquired of God, "Where have you been?"

 

God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Corkers, look what I've

made," said God.

 

Archangel Corkers looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

 

"Its a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call

it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

 

"Balance?" inquired Corkers, still confused.

 

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth, "For

example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth

while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will

be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot.

 

Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a

continent of black people." God continued, pointing to the different

countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be

very cold and covered in ice."

 

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of

land and asked, "What's that?"

 

"Ah", said God. "That's called Queensland , the most glorious place on

Earth.

 

There are beautiful people, impressive towns; it is the home of the worlds

finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers and explorers.

 

The people from QLD are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and

they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely

sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known

throughout the world as speakers of truth."

 

Corkers gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about

balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the idiots I'm putting down

there in England"

ocker-anim.gifROO.gif

 

 

Cheers, Bobj.

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  • 2 months later...

Another laugh for you.

 

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

 

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

 

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

 

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

 

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

 

I went to a massage parlour. It was self service.

 

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

 

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

 

I knew a girl who was so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

 

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

 

I was such an ugly baby, when I was born the Dr.slapped my Mother.

 

I went to see my Dr. . . Dr. Vinnie Goomba. He asked if I had this before? I said yes. He said well, you got it again.

 

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning!

 

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging past, naked. I asked "Why?" He said "Because you came home early."

 

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for alka-seltzer.

 

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit of the Loom guys giggling.

 

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

 

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

 

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.

 

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it. I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

ocker-anim.gifROO.gif

 

 

Cheers, Bobj.

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Q: What do you call a boomerang that does not come back ?

A: A stick

 

During the war, a British General visited an Australian Army Hospital. Sensing a doom and gloom atmosphere he tried to rally the men by asking "Now you men didn't come here to die did you?" To which an Aussie replied " No sir, we came here yesterdie."

 

Q: What's Bobj's idea of foreplay ?

A: "WAAKE UUUP !!!"

 

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".

 

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

" My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!" - Harry Truman, 33rd US President

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:thumbs::thumbs: Good one, mate.

 

STATISTICS

 

 

Doctors:

(A) The number of doctors in the U.S. is 700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000.

© Accidental deaths per physician is 17.14%.

Statistics: courtesy of the U.S.Dept of Health & Human Services

 

Guns:

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000 (yes! that's 80 million).

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

© The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.001875%.

Statistics: courtesy of the FBI

 

So statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

 

Remember, guns don't kill people, doctors do.

 

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

 

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!

 

Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention............

ocker-anim.gifROO.gif

 

 

Cheers, Bobj.

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  • 1 month later...

Poetry...

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two

finalists; a university graduate and an old Aborigine.

They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the

Word

and come up with a poem that contained the word.

 

The word they were given was "TIMBUKTU".

First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He

stepped to the microphone and said:

"Slowly across the desert sand,

Trekked a lonely caravan,

Men on camels two by two,

destination - Timbuktu."

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old abbo top that they

thought.

The old Aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and

recited:

"Me and Tim a huntin' went,

Met three whores in a pop up tent.

They was three, and we was two.

So I bucked one, and Timbuktu."

The old Aboriginal won.

ocker-anim.gifROO.gif

 

 

Cheers, Bobj.

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The Energy Efficiency Expert

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table.

The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon.".

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White Collar Criminals

The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug. "Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a white collar crime too."

"Well, that's a relief," sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading."

"Oh nothing fancy like that for me," grinned the convict. "I just murdered a couple of priests."

Edited by hembo

The salary of the chief executive of a large corporation is not a market award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself.

John Kenneth Galbraith

 

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