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Encouragement, that's what's needed. :clap2::clap2:

 

It seems that life goes by resembling somewhat of a bell curve of what is considered successful...

 

At age 4...success is...not peeing in your pants.

 

At age 10...success is...making your own meals.

 

At age 12...success is...having friends.

 

At age 17...success is...having a drivers license.

 

At age 20...success is...having sex.

 

At age 35...success is...having money.

 

At age 50...success is...having money.

 

At age 60...success is...having sex.

 

At age 70...success is...having a drivers license.

 

At age 75...success is...having friends.

 

At age 80...success is...making your own meals.

 

At age 85...success is...not peeing in your pants


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Cheers, Bobj.

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Another one........

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

 

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

 

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

 

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

 

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina?'?

 

"As far as I'm concerned", the drunk replied, "any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."


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Cheers, Bobj.

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Oh. bugga!! one more.......

 

A guy checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit

lonely so he thought he would get one of those girls you see advertised in

phone booths when you're calling for a taxi.

 

He grabbed a card and went back to his hotel. It was an ad

for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, judging by the photo.

She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy

hair, long graceful legs. You know the kind. So he is in his room and

figures, what the hell, he will give her a call.

 

"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come

to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you, I'm

in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I

want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long.

You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've

got in your bag of tricks.

We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, spank me,

cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby.

Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you

need to press "9"


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Cheers, Bobj.

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With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it

is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost

went unnoticed.

 

 

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Cokey" died peacefully at the

age of 83.

 

 

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

 

 

They put his left leg in: and then the trouble started. :o

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Soccer..........er football. :(

 

It is just before the England v Brazil football match.

 

Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

 

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're sh*te and we just can't be bothered". Ronaldinho looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub."

 

So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

 

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10minutes)". He is beating England all by himself! Anyway, a few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Lampard 89 minutes)".

 

They can't believe it; he has single handedly got a draw against England!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.

 

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft! You got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

 

"No, No, I have! I've let you down...........I got sent off after 12 minutes"


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Cheers, Bobj.

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20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

 

This was my favorite! :lol:

But i thought they were all funny! :yeah:

 

Soccer..........er football. :(

 

It is just before the England v Brazil football match.

 

Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

 

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're sh*te and we just can't be bothered". Ronaldinho looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub."

 

So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

 

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10minutes)". He is beating England all by himself! Anyway, a few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Lampard 89 minutes)".

 

They can't believe it; he has single handedly got a draw against England!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.

 

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft! You got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

 

"No, No, I have! I've let you down...........I got sent off after 12 minutes"

 

I like this joke, it's true. It tells you how crap the England footy team actually are! :lol:


Adam Broadley!

Me

 

Whitby Sea Anglers

 

 

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naughty naughty Bobj you forgot to mention the socceroos won.

 

SSSHHHHHHH ;);)

We can't say anything like that, especially when they BEAT THE BEST European team.


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Cheers, Bobj.

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Here one to take back to Australia :P

 

An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands.

 

Jill, the Australian barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent. Over the course of the night they talk a bit. At the end of the night he ask her if she want to go to bed and have sex.

 

Although she is attracted to him she say no. Then he offers to pay her $A 200 for the deed. Jill is traveling the world and because she short of funds she agrees.

 

The next night the guy turns up again and after showing plenty of attention throughout the night he ask her if will sleep with him for $A 200.

 

She figure in for a penny in for a pound - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees.

 

This goes on for 5 nights. But on the six night the guy comes in the bar. But this night he orders a larger and goes and sits in the corner.

 

Jill is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention. She goes over and sit next to him. She ask him where is from and he tells her "Melbourne".

 

"So I am" she says, "What suburb in Melbourne? She say.

 

"Glen Iris" he say.

 

"That's amazing" she says, "so am I - what street"

 

"Cameo Street" he says.

 

"This is unbelieveable" she says, "What number?"

 

"Number 20" he says and she is astonished.

 

"You are not going to believe this" she says, "I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there!"

 

"I know" he says, "Your father gave me $A 1,000 to give you"

 

 

He who drinks Australian - thinks Australian! ;);):P

Edited by Andrew Burgess

Growing old is inevitable but growing up is optional

 

http://www.bass-online.co.uk/

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Here one to take back to Australia :P

 

 

Jill is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention. She goes over and sit next to him. She ask him where is from and he tells her "Melbourne".

 

"So I am" she says, "What suburb in Melbourne? She say.

 

"Glen Iris" he say.

 

Quite understand it, mate. Those Melburnians would do anything for money. ;);)


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Cheers, Bobj.

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