HAVE A LAUGH

[severus]

Q: Why are gay men always ready to leave?

 

A: Their sh*t is always packed.

[Clifftop]

What do you call a skinny Aussie girl with chalk on her head? A Barbie-cue. -

[ayjay]

Rogue traders

 

Apparently the new TV series of Rogue Traders has captured footage of a very sick plumber. The woman left the house and the plumber was secretly filmed sexually assaulting the family pet dog!

 

Obviously we won't be seeing this on our TV screens!

 

The film footage has been passed on to the Police, but they don't think they will be able to press charges as the plumber in question is Corgi registered!

 

 

 

>

 

 

 

_{for the non-brits, Corgi (Confederation for the Registration of Gas Installers)}

[Newt]

I think this meaning for Corgi is more apt in this case.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Welsh_Corgi

[Clifftop]

Pain Killer.....

 

 

 

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled.

 

 

 

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.

 

 

 

"No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said.

 

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

 

"I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"

 

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

 

"No objection," the patient says, "I am fine with pills."

 

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."

 

The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

 

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang onto when I pull out your tooth."

[Chris Goddard]

It's the OLD ones you remember!!!

 

 

A young lad goes for a job in a big dept store. The manager asks him

Have you any sales experience?

The lad says Yeah!

The manager liked him, so gave him the job.

His first day on the job was very challenging and busy ,but he got through it and at closing time , the manager said

OK , so how many sales did you make today?

One said the lad.

Just one, Our sales people make on average 20 - 30 sales a day, How much was the sale for?

The lad said $124,237!

The manager almost choked and exclaimed

WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SELL HIM?

Well, first, I sold him a fish hook, then a larger fish hook, then I sold him a fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said on the coast,

so I told him he'd need a boat - so I took him down to boat sales and sold him that twin-engined power cat.

Then , he said he didn't think his car could pull it- so I took him down to car sales and sold him a 4 x 4.

The manager said You mean to tell me- a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4 x 4?

No No No - said the lad.

He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his girlfriend

and I said... Well since your weekends f***ed, you might as well go fishing!

[severus]

A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be a few thousand dollars in it. So, he approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the jar? "Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new car." Interested, the man asks, "What are the three tests?" "Pay first, those are the rules," says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

 

"OK," the bartender says, "Here's what you need to do: First - you have to drink that entire fifth of pepper tequila all at once and you can't make a face while doing it." "Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands." "Third - there's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never had an orgasm. You've gotta make things right for her."

 

The man is stunned. "No way. You have to be nuts to drink a liter of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..." "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."The man has a few drinks, then a few more, then asks, "Where ez zat tequila?" He lifts the tequila with both hands and downs it. Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

 

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up and bar patrons hear a loud scuffle outside. The dog barks and whines, the man screams, then silence. The man then staggers back into the bar, with bloodied shirt and scratches on his face. "Now," he says... "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

[Clifftop]

[Bobj]

A Pom and an Aussie were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold

> beer.

> After a while the Pom says to the Aussie, "If I was to sneak over to your

> house

> and shag your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant

> and had a baby, would that make us related

> The Aussie crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head,

> and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

> Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make

> us even .

[Bobj]

39 THINGS YOU SHOULD'VE LEARNED BY NOW

 

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a

laxative on the same night.

 

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

 

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than

standing in a garage makes you a car.

 

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

 

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

 

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

 

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

 

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

 

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

 

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

 

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

 

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

 

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

 

14. Men are from earth, Women are from earth... Deal with it.

 

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

 

16. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.

 

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind

and narrowness of the waist change places.

 

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

 

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three

weeks before you need it.

 

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

 

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a

mistake when you make it again.

 

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

 

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.

 

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

 

25. It's not the jeans that make your bum look fat.

 

26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race

has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that

word would be "meetings".

 

27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

 

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost

never want you to share yours with them.

 

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

 

30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

 

31. Never lick a steak knife.

 

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

 

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and

compelling reason why we put the clocks back.

 

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely

suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an

actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

 

35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people

to make a big deal about your birthday.. That time is age eleven.

 

36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,

gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep

down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers..

 

37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

 

38. Your friends love you anyway.

 

39. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone

amateur built the Ark.

A large group of professionals built the Titanic .