HAVE A LAUGH

[Newt]

That is one of the best yet.

[Chris Goddard]

FANNIE GREEN !

 

 

 

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession and I've sinned with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

 

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."

 

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have sinned with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

 

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green ?"

 

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

 

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's".

 

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his Sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

 

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart,Sharon Stone-style.

 

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green ?"

 

The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the light reflecting off the Stained-glass window. "

 

 

 

AND

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One

day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost.

Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here"?

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!? says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

 

Morals of this story:

 

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!

[Bobj]

MEANINGS

 

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female...... Any part under a car's hood.

Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

 

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

 

3. COMMUNICATION (kom-yoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

 

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female.... A desire to get married a nd raise a family.

Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

 

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

 

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.

Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

 

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

 

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

[Bobj]

Free cat.

[Bobj]

NEVER TICK OFF A NURSE

 

 

 

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He

 

was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he

 

did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do

 

with him.

 

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came

 

into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After

 

complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his

 

arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for

 

this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another

 

round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

 

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,

 

"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

 

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under

 

his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.

 

After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going

 

on here?" asked the doctor.

 

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever

 

seen someone having their temperature taken?"

 

After a pause, the doctor confessed ...........

 

"Not with a daffodil."

[John S]

Now which one of the 'Doctor' films was that one in....

[Chris Goddard]

I don't know but it was one of the best John!!

[Bobj]

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, . . .

 

'Listen up! , buddy . I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean ... it just doesn't matter to me.

 

I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'

 

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded - - -

 

'No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?'

[ayjay]

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They managed to bag 6.

 

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

 

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

 

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

 

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

 

Somehow, and surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

 

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

 

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[Bobj]

Out of the mouths of babes .

 

Should children witness childbirth?

 

During a power failure, only one paramedic was able to respond to am emergency call to help a woman in labour.

 

When he arrived, the house was very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mummy, so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

 

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

 

The mother pushed and pushed and after a little while, a little boy was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. The baby boy began to cry.

 

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

 

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place...smack his bum again!"

Edited October 19, 2007 by Bobj