HAVE A LAUGH

[Newt]

[Newt]

While visiting his niece, an elderly man had a heart attack. The woman drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.

 

After what seemed like a very long wait, the emergency room doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.

 

Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid that your uncle is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating.

 

"Oh, dear," cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock "We've never had a Liberal in the family before."

[Dales]

English Tourists...

 

This was sent from Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the guests' complaints during the season.

 

(Survey by Thomas Cook and ABTA)

 

 

 

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often

needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

 

"On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every

restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

 

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The

food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

 

 

Not bad only 3 things on that list that I had said before

[Big Jeff]

HELP ME GET ME LICENCE BACK

 

Phil. Hi Mate, I am writing to you, because I need your help to get me bloody pilots licence back (you keep telling me you got all the right contacts, well now's your chance to make something happen for me because, mate, I'm bloody desperate). But first, I'd better tell you what happened during my last flight review with the CAA (Commonwealth Aviation Authority) Examiner.

 

On the phone, Ron (that's the CAA guy) seemed a reasonable sort of bloke. He politely reminded me of the need to do a flight review every two years. He even offered to drive out, have look over my property and let me operate from my own strip. Naturally I agreed to that.

 

Anyway, Ron turned up last Wednesday. First up, he said he was a bit surprised to see the plane on a small strip outside my homestead because the ALA (Authorised Landing Area) is about a mile away. I explained that because this strip was so close to the homestead, it was more convenient than that strip, despite the power lines crossing about midway down the strip (it's not really a problem to land and take-off because at the half-way point down the strip, you're usually still on the ground).

 

For some reason Ron seemed nervous. So, although I had done the pre-flight inspection only four days earlier, I decided to do it all over again. Because the git was watching me carefully, I walked around the plane three times instead of my usual two.

 

My effort was rewarded because the colour finally returned to Ron's cheeks - in fact they went a bright red. In view of Ron's obviously better mood, I told him I was going to combine the test flight with farm work, as I had to deliver three poddy calves from the home paddock to the main herd.

 

After a bit of a chase, I finally caught the calves and threw them into the back of the ol' Cessna 172.

 

We climbed aboard but Ron started gettin' into me about weight and balance calculations and all that crap. Of course I knew that sort of thing was a waste of time because calves like to move around a bit - particularly when they see themselves 500 feet off the ground, so it's bloody pointless trying to secure them, as you know. However, I did tell Ron that he shouldn't worry as I always keep the trim wheel set on neutral to ensure we remain pretty stable at all stages throughout the flight.

 

Anyway, I started the engine and cleverly minimised the warm-up time by tramping hard on the brakes and gunning her to 2,500rpm. I then discovered that Ron has very acute hearing, even though he was wearing a bloody headset. Through all that noise he detected a metallic rattle and demanded that I account for it. Actually it began about a month ago and was caused by a screwdriver that fell down a hole in the floor and lodged in the fuel selector mechanism. The selector can't be moved now, but it doesn't matter because it's jammed on 'All tanks', so I suppose that's OK. However, as Ron was obviously a real nit-picker, I blamed the noise on vibration from a stainless steel thermos flask which I keep in a beaut little possie between the windshield and the magnetic compass. My explanation seemed to relax Ron because he slumped back in the seat and kept looking up at the cockpit roof. I released the brakes to taxi out but unfortunately the plane gave a leap and spun to the right.

 

"Hell" I thought, "not the starboard wheel chock again". The bump jolted Ron back to full alertness. He looked wildly around just in time to see a rock thrown by the prop wash disappear completely through the windscreen of his brand new Commodore. "Now I'm really in trouble", I thought. While Ron was busy ranting about his car, I ignored his requirement that we taxi to the ALA and instead took off under the power lines. Ron didn't say a word - at least, not until the engine started coughing right at the lift off point, then he bloody screamed his head off ... "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!"

 

"Take it easy, Ron" I told him firmly, "that often happens on take-off and there is a good reason for it." I explained patiently that I usually run the plane on standard MOGAS, but one day I accidentally put in a gallon or two of kerosene. To compensate for the low octane of the kerosene, I siphoned in a few gallons of super MOGAS and shook the wings up and down a few times to mix it up. Since then, the engine has been coughing a bit but in general it worked just fine - if you know how to coax it properly.

 

Anyway, at this stage Ron seemed to lose all interest in my flight test. He pulled out some rosary beads, closed his eyes and became lost in prayer (I didn't think anyone was a Catholic these days).

 

I selected some nice music on the HF radio to help him relax. Meanwhile I climbed to my normal cruising altitude of 10,500 feet (I don't normally put in a flight plan or get the weather because as you know getting Fax access out here is a *** joke and the bloody weather is always 8/8 blue anyway. But since I had that near miss with a Saab 340, I might have to change me thinking).

 

Anyhow, on levelling out, I noticed some wild camels heading into my improved pasture. Now I hate camels, and I always carry a loaded .303 clipped inside the door of the Cessna - just in case I see any of the bastards. We were too high to hit them, but as a matter of principle, I decided to have a go through the open window.

 

Mate, when I pulled the bloody rifle out, the effect on Ron was friggin' electric. As I fired the first shot, his neck lengthened by about six inches and his eyes bulged like a rabbit with myxo. He really looked as if he had been jabbed with an electric cattle prod on full power. In fact, Ron's reaction was so distracting that I lost concentration for a second and the next shot went straight through the port tyre. Ron was a bit upset about the shooting (probably one of those pinko animal lovers I guess) so I decided not to tell him about our little problem with the tyre.

 

Shortly afterwards, I located the main herd and decided to do my fighter pilot trick. Ron had gone back to praying when, in one smooth sequence, I pulled on full flap, cut the power and started a sideslip from 10,500 feet down to 500 feet at 130 knots indicated (the last time I looked anyway) and the little needle rushing up to the red area on me ASI.

 

What a buzz, mate! About half way through the descent I looked back in the cabin to see the calves gracefully suspended in mid air and mooing like crazy. I was going to comment on this unusual sight but Ron looked a bit green and had rolled himself into the foetal position and was screamin' his f*&%# head off.

 

Mate, talk about being in a bloody zoo. You should've been there, it was so bloody funny! At about 500 feet I levelled out, but for some reason we continued sinking. When we reached 50 feet I applied full power but nothin' happened; no noise no nothin'.

 

Then, luckily, I heard me instructor's voice in me head saying "carby heat, carby heat", so I pulled carby heat on and that helped quite a lot, with the engine finally regaining full power. Whew, that was really close, let me tell you!

 

Then mate, you'll never guess what happened next! As luck would have it, at that height we flew into a massive dust cloud caused by the cattle and suddenly went I.F. bloody R, mate. Phil, you would've been bloody proud of me as I didn't panic once, not once, but I did make a mental note to consider an instrument rating as soon as me gyro is repaired (something I've been meaning to do for a while now).

Suddenly Ron's elongated neck and bulging eyes reappeared. His mouth opened wide, very wide, but no sound emerged.

 

"Take it easy," I told him. "We'll be out of this in a minute." Sure enough, about a minute later we emerge; still straight and level and still at 50 feet. Admittedly I was surprised to notice that we were upside down, and I kept thinking to myself, "I hope Ron didn't notice that I had forgotten to set the QNH when we were taxiing". This minor tribulation forced me to fly to a nearby valley in which I had to do a half roll to get upright again.

 

By now the main herd had divided into two groups leaving a narrow strip between them. "Ah!," I thought, "There’s an omen. We'll land right there." Knowing that the tyre problem demanded a slow approach, I flew a couple of steep turns with full flap. Soon the stall warning horn was blaring so loud in me ear that I cut its circuit breaker to shut it up, but by then I knew we were slow enough anyway.

 

I turned steeply onto a 75 foot final and put her down with a real thud. Strangely enough, I had always thought you could only ground loop in a tail dragger but, as usual, I was proved wrong again! Halfway through our third loop Ron at last recovered his sense of humour.

 

Talk about laugh. I've never seen the likes of it; he couldn't stop. We finally rolled to a halt and I released the calves, who bolted out of the aircraft like there was no tomorrow. I then began picking clumps of dry grass. Between gut wrenching fits of laughter Ron asked what I was doing. I explained that we had to stuff the port tyre with grass so we could fly back to the homestead.

 

It was then that Ron really lost the plot and started running away from the aircraft. Can you believe it? The last time I saw him he was off into the distance, arms flailing in the air and still shrieking with laughter. I later heard that he had been confined to a psychiatric institution ? Poor ***!

 

Anyhow, mate, that's enough about Ron. The problem is I just got a letter from CASA withdrawing, as they put it, my privileges to fly; until I have undergone a complete pilot training course again and undertaken another flight proficiency test.

 

Now I admit that I made a mistake in taxiing over the wheel chock and not setting the QNH using strip elevation, but I can't see what else I did that was so bloody bad that they have to withdraw me flamin' licence, can you...?

[Bobj]

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

 

 

 

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

 

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

 

 

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

 

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

 

 

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

 

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

 

 

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.."

 

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

 

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,"What was your last known position?"

 

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

 

 

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

 

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

 

 

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:

 

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"

 

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

 

 

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

 

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers.."

 

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.

 

The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

 

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

 

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot.

They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange

 

Between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway.."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

 

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: " St and by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

 

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."

 

 

While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

 

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

 

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! St op right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

 

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:

 

"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

 

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

 

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

[Newt]

LOL @ Big Jeff. That's got to be one of the funniest things I've read all year.

 

[greg long]

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.

 

It was a disaster!

 

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

 

 

------------ --------- --------oOo- -----------

 

 

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

 

Paddy ordered a whisky.

 

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

 

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

 

Paddy handed his drink back and said

 

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

 

 

 

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------

 

 

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

 

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"

 

Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your f***ing plane!"

 

 

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

 

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,

I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts

 

"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"

 

Murphy watches in amazement!

 

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

 

So he leaves the site.

 

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

 

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

 

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

 

 

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------

 

 

Q.. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?

 

A.. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

 

 

-------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

 

 

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

 

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

 

 

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------

 

 

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

 

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

 

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------

 

 

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.

 

Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

 

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"

 

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"

 

 

------------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

 

 

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

 

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

 

--------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

 

 

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

 

Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

 

Paddy says "What's his name?"

 

Mick replies "Miles, from London !"

[Newt]

[Mat Hillman]

[ayjay]

A New Mouse for Women

 

After years of research, scientists have discovered that women do not like the standard mouse supplied with PCs.

 

Scientists found that there is no physical reason for their aversion; it is more of a Psychological problem.

 

Some women reported that their mouse "just didn't feel right" in their hands.

 

Based on the research,a new mouse has been designed especially for women.

 

Various field tests have been carried out on the new design:

 

 

 

Julie from Hounslow said:-

'It feels so much better. More comfortable, more like how it's supposed to be.'

 

 

Susan from Chelmsford added:-

'I think mice were originally designed just for men, but this new type is definitely made for women. It fits right in with my lifestyle.'

 

Hillary from Kent said:-

'I took to it like a duck to water, every woman should have one!'

 

Sally from London said: –

" It feels so natural. "