HAVE A LAUGH

[Phone]

The top 10 [brit] jokes:

1) "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks." – Stewart Francis

2) "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly." – Tim Vine

3) "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister." – Will Marsh

4) "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case." – Rob Beckett

5) "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don't know Y." – Chris Turner

6) "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze." – Tim Vine

7) "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating." – George Ryegold

8) "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!" – Stewart Francis

9) "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad." – Lou Sanders

10) "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn't fancy her chances." – Nish Kumar

 

• The Guardian,Monday 20 August 2012

Found these searching elsewhere. You might think they are funny. Evne I like some.

 

Phone

[Phone]

 

Vagina jokes aren't funny. Period.

Black and Mexican jokes are all the same. Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.

To all those who said I couldn't make jokes about blind people...watch me.

Who ever invented the Knock- Knock jokes should get a No-bell prize!

Cripple jokes are so mean, I can't stand them!

So a man jumps into a taxi and says King Arthur's close and the taxi driver says, don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights.

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

A guy at work went in for a competition and won a trip to China. He's out there now...trying to win a trip back!

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.

 

Phone

[Charlotte]

No. 15 got me

oops, I didn't realise this thread was so long - thought it was new. I meant 15 of the first page, haha!

[corydoras]

The good news is that there is football in heaven. The bad news is your in goals on Thursday.

[Newt]

SENIOR DATING…

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a Gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there's a luxury car... A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

[barry luxton]

errm painfull: A. Chappell
This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of thisas previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.
I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise
I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen.
I didn't have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling
I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.
Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg.
Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen
by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.
I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me.
The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw
for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.
I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.
This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle
was running it's engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen
which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come
and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end
pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ".
Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.
I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably
wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day
what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair,
dignity and self respect.)

[ayjay]

"G' day mate, you've called the Fosters helpline, what's the problem dude"?

 

"I'm in Australia with my girlfriend and shes been stung on the minge by a hornet,and now her vagina has completely closed up".


"Bummer dude"

"Thanks mate, bye".

[Newt]

Lexiphile fun - add some of your own

You can tune a piano, but you can't ... tuna fish

To write with a broken pencil is ... pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes ... take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar ... got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , ... U.C.L.A.

The batteries were given out ... free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married ... They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a ... dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name ... and a dress.

A boiled egg is ... hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center ... you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was ... resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? ... He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; ... it is two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine ... was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory ... which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be ... exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, ... she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture ... a jab well done.

[Bobj]

Good 'ole America.

 

 

WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!

DiamondD's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist

Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding with

morning, afternoon and evening prayer sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the cathouse was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about 'The power of prayer'.

But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madame, sued the
church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the
church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and
her business either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied
any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the
defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't
know how the hell I'm going to decide this damn case, but it
appears from the paperwork that we now have a whorehouse owner who
staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church
congregation that thinks it's all bullshit!" (Mount Vernon Times)

[John S]

 

Good 'ole America.

 

 

WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!

 

I wish that was true.... http://www.snopes.com/humor/iftrue/prayer.asp