HAVE A LAUGH

[barry luxton]

As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, a...nd she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

[Dave H]

Well it seems that the winter Olympic sport has caught on. Here is a gold medal potential for 2018 Olympics......I think the cameraman does not understand the meaning of an end but knows a good rear end when he gets to see one.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V7LxSA22vEA

[big_cod]

How I Learned To Mind My Own Business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting, '13....13.....13.'

 

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks.

 

I looked through to see what was going on.....

 

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!

 

Then they all started shouting '14.....14....14...

 

PAUL.

Edited February 23, 2014 by big_cod

[barry luxton]

it can only happen to a:

 

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=597398706995540

[chesters1]

A what ,a where?

[ayjay]

A what ,a where?

Not a clue, I don't use Facebook either.

[ayjay]

An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he probably won't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are so wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does..."

 

 

*****************************************************************************************************

A woman was standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.

A homeless tramp stopped and mumbled "If you're about to kill yourself, how about a quickie before you go?"

The woman screamed... "No! Just f*** off you filthy old bastard".


The tramp turned to leave and said "No problems, I'll just go wait at the bottom then".

 

******************************************************************************************************

 

 

 

***************************************************************************************************

 

 

A man was walking through town one day when he saw a shop with a notice in the window.

The notice said "We sell everything".

The man could not believe this so he went inside.

He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson, "Do you really sell everything?"

The salesperson said "Yes, everything".

Deciding to test this, the man said "OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?".

The salesperson said, "A jumper for a chicken? Hold on, I will have to check in the stock room".

Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag. "Here you go sir, one jumper for a chicken"

"How much?" asked the man astounded.

"Three quid." replied the salesperson.

"Three quid for a jumper for a chicken - excellent." said the man.

So away he went as happy as Larry.

Further down the street though he thought to himself that maybe he’d been done, so he looked inside the bag.

At the bottom of the bag was a condom.

The man was mad and so he stormed back into the shop.

He screamed at the salesperson, "Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom – what is going on?"

The salesperson replied, "Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens,.....







.... all we had was a pullover for a cock."

*********************************************************************

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin. In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.

Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him.

"How 'bout that!" he exclaims, "Here's a picture of my Fadder."

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.

So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with!"

[Clifftop]

A man received the following text message from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been tapping into your wife, day and night, when you're not

around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's

no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept

my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and without a word,

shot and killed his wife and then himself.

 

A pity really. He missed the next message ....

WIFI! ****; I meant "wifi", not "wife". Bloody autocorrect!
Sorry,
Bob.

[barry luxton]

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.

Nothing.

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.

I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.

Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper& lead.

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth .

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!!

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'

Granny replies, blow the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'

He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

[Sportsman]

Three Scots were having a pint in a local pub while visiting London and began to brag
on their home town watering holes.


"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the second Scotsman, "At my local pub in Dundee , Drouthy's, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, tha's nuthin'," said Craig. "Back home in me favorite bar in Aberdeen, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see tha' you get laid, all on the house!"

The first two Scotsmen were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, nae," admitted the gent from Aberdeen.........."but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."