HAVE A LAUGH

[ayjay]

In a School science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.

 

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.

The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

 

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol --- dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke --- dead.

The third worm in sperm --- dead.

The fourth worm in soil --- alive.

 

So the science teacher asked the class --- "What can you learn from this experiment."

 

>

 

>

 

>

 

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said. "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."

[Bobj]

In a School science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.

 

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.

The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

 

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol --- dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke --- dead.

The third worm in sperm --- dead.

The fourth worm in soil --- alive.

 

So the science teacher asked the class --- "What can you learn from this experiment."

 

>

 

>

 

>

 

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said. "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."

:1a:

[Bobj]

ust a few genuine letters to the council regarding

complaints.........

 

Dear Sirs ..............

 

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front, and my back passage has

fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house, and I just can't take it anymore.

 

3. It is the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

 

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

 

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

 

6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

 

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

 

8. My lavatory seat is cracked; where do I stand?

 

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

 

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

 

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

 

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are plain filthy.

 

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

 

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

 

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny colour & not fit to drink.

 

16. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6 am his thingy wakes me up, and its now getting too much for me.

 

17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

 

18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

 

19. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

 

20. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

Edited July 24, 2007 by Bobj

[Bobj]

There was a blonde virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

 

Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

 

She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

 

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

 

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

 

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

[Guest Jan V]

Have you heard about the thief in Paris who planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

 

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

 

And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to post this.

[Mister Toad]

Have you heard about the thief in Paris who planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

 

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

 

And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to post this.

 

Is this Hembo in disguise?

[Guest Jan V]

Is this Hembo in disguise?

nope, tis me

[Guest Jan V]

A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike

English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

 

"House" is feminine - "la maison."

"Pencil" is masculine - "le crayon."

 

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

 

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups

male and female - and asked them to decide for themselves whether

"computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked

to give four reasons for their recommendation.

 

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the

feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is

incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible

later review; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half

your salary on accessories for it.

 

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine

("le computer") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE

the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a

little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

 

The women won.

[severus]

Two families move from Pakistan to America . When they arrive the two fathers make a bet to see -- in a year's time -- which family has become more Americanized.

 

A year later they meet again.

 

The first man says, "My son is playing baseball. I had breakfast at McDonalds, and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud. How about you?"

 

The second man replies, "F*** you, towelhead."

[Bobj]

nope, tis me

 

And very clever, too. :clap2: