HAVE A LAUGH

[Bobj]

Beware of Prince Charles

Year 1981

1. Prince Charles got married.

2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe

3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament

4. Pope died.

 

Year 2005

 

1. Prince Charles got married.

2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.!

3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.

4. Pope died.

 

IN THE FUTURE, IF PRINCE CHARLES DECIDES TO MARRY, SOMEBODY PLEASE WARN THE AUSTRALIAN CRICKET TEAM

[hembo]

an englishman walks into a bar in marsailles with his pet monkey both wearing english lycra rugby shirts . they sit at the bar and watch the match that is on the television in which england are playing ; whilst watching wilko scores a try and a penalty conversion and the monkey runs along the bar high fiving everyone ; amazed an onlooker says does he do this everytime england scores a try and the english fan said ..... dunno ive only had him for three years .

[severus]

A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from the other passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight. "WOW, great! " he thinks. "What a good place to be today. " He is boarding, but he doesn't see the Pope, so he figures that maybe the other passengers were wrong. He takes his seat and is thankful that there is an empty seat next to him. Just before the flight closes, the Pope enters the plane and sits next to him. I am surely blessed the man thinks. Here I am a good Catholic on a flight with the Pope sitting next to me. The plane takes off, and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seatbelts.

 

The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. Marvelous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me, but he does crosswords and so do I. Maybe he will ask for help. He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, while is tapping his pencil in thought. The Pope turns to him and says: "I usually don't talk to others on flights, but I wonder if you can help me? " "Anything your eminence. What is it? " "Do you know a four letter word for 'woman' that ends in u-n-t? " The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt. " The Pope turns to him and asks, "Do you have an eraser? "

[Chris Goddard]

:roll1:

[Bobj]

Air Force One lands at Heathrow in London and George Bush is met by the Queen herself.

 

They board the Queens magnificent Rolls Royce and proceed to a magnificent Luncheon welcome for the President..

 

Following lunch, they board the queens personal coach which is drawn by six beautiful white horses..

 

As they proceed to Buckingham palace, one of the horses lets go the biggest fart that makes the coach tremble and the smell is atrocious.

 

Both the Queen and the President are forced to cover their noses with handkerchiefs..

 

"I'm terrible sorry " says the Queen, " there are somethings even the Queen has no control over.".

 

"Oh thats OK your Majesty...Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses"

[ayjay]

The owner of a Pharmacy walks in to find a man leaning against the wall, and as white as a sheet.

 

"What's with that chap over there by the wall?" asks the owner.

 

"Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." Replied the clerk.

 

"You idiot!" Yelled the owner" You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

 

"It's working so far!" replied the clerk, " he doesn't dare cough!"

[severus]

Q. What do you get if you cross a Mexican with an octopus?

A. An eight-row pickle picker.

 

Q. Why do Mexicans like cars with small steering wheels?

A. So they can still drive while handcuffed.

[Chris Goddard]

A couple of quickies!!

 

A First Year teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in the class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

 

 

 

It's hard to believe these were actually done by First year kids ("6"year-olds), because the last one is classic!

 

 

 

Strike while the ..........................insect is close.

 

Never underestimate the power of............ants.

 

Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.

 

Better to be safe than......................punch a grade 7 boy.

 

If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning.

 

It's always darkest before..................DaylightSaving Time.

 

You can lead a horse to water but...........how?

 

No news is..................................impossible.

 

A miss is as good as a......................Mr.

 

You can't teach an old dog new..............maths.

 

Love all, trust.............................me.

 

The pen is mightier than the................pigs.

 

An idle mind is..............................the best way to relax.

 

Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.

 

Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.

 

A penny saved is............................not much.

 

Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers.

 

Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.

 

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you,

 

cry and.....................................you have to blow your nose.

 

There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.

 

Children should be seen and not.............smacked or grounded.

 

If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.

 

You get out of something only what you......see in the picture on the box.

 

When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.

 

Better late than............................pregnant!

 

 

 

 

King Arthur and the Witch :

 

 

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a

neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by

Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long

as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to

figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would

be put to death.

 

 

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex

even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an

impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the

monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

 

 

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the

priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but

no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

 

 

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have

the answer.

 

 

But the price would be high as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom

for the exorbitant prices she charged.

 

 

The last day of the year arrived, and Arthur had no choice but to talk to

the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to

her price first.

 

 

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of

the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

 

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one

tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never

encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

 

 

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible

burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

 

 

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the

preservation of the Round Table.

 

 

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question

thus:

 

 

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own

life.

 

 

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great

truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

 

 

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and

Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

 

 

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific

experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most

beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded

Lancelot asked what had happened

 

 

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared

as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half

the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

 

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

 

 

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show

off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old

witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by

night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

 

 

What would YOU do?

 

 

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down

below. OKAY?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

 

 

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time

because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge

of her own life.

 

Now....what is the moral to this story?

 

 

Scroll down

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The moral is.....

 

 

If you don't let a woman have her own way....

 

 

Things are going to get ugly! ..

 

 

And the other two!!

 

Golf Slang

 

An Adolf Hitler ................. taking two shots in a bunker

An Arthur Scargill ...............a great strike but a poor result

A Rodney King ..................over-clubbed

An O.J.Simpson ................. somehow got away with it

A condom .........................safe but didn't feel real good

An elephant,s arseole .......... it's high and it stinks

A sister-in-law .................. .I'm up there, but I know that I shouldn't be

A Sally Gunell .................. it's ugly but it's still running

A Kate Moss ..................... thinned it

An IRA shot ......................hitting a provisional

A nipple licker .................. a shot that opens up the hole

A Diego Maradonna ........... a nasty five footer

A Salman Rushdie ............. an impossible read

A Rock Hudson ................. thought it was straight, but it wasn't

A Ladyboy ...................... looks like an easy hole but all may not be what it seems

Putting like a gynaecologist's assistant ...shaving the hole

A Paris Hilton .................. an expensive hole

Does your husband play? ......for when a man hits a short tee shot

A Cuban ..........................needs one more revolution

An Elton John .................. a big bender that lips the rim

A Glen Miller .................. .kept low and didn't make over the water

A Marylin Monroe ............. a fair crack up the middle (aka "A Blondie")

A Princess Grace ...............should have taken a driver

A Princess Di ................... shouldn't have taken a driver

A Robin Cook .................. just died on the hill

A Michael Jackson ............ gradually fading

An Anna Kournikova ......... looks great, but unlikely to get a result

A Vinnie Jones ................. nasty kick when you're not expecting it

A Tony Blair .................... too much spin

A Bin Laden ..................... driven out and never found again

A Jamie Oliver .................. you really want to smack it.

 

 

 

A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze Statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it

anyway. He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?" The owner replied: "It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story." The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, You

can keep the story."

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun

following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of streets the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way. He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran,he Looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran to down the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said, "Ah, you've come back for the story then?"

"No," said the tourist, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim, a couple of Blacks, a Poof, a Chelsea supporter, and anything French!"

[Bobj]

:bigemo_harabe_net-163:

[Clifftop]

:bigemo_harabe_net-163:

 

 

I'll second that.