HAVE A LAUGH

[happymondays]

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of Indians attacked them and knocked them out.

 

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

 

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

 

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The chief then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

 

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The chief soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apparent reason, and was killed.

 

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

 

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

[Bobj]

Merry Christmas....

[Ken L]

If you go to your local supermarket by car, be carefull.

There is a new form of robbery taking place that is being copied around the country where loan male drivers are distracted by a young lady who dances suggestivly in front of the car whist they are finding their keys.

Once the criminal has the drivers attention, she moves in closer and makes smalltalk whilst caressing his body.

If the poor victim "responds", she will undo his trousers and perform an act of oral sex on him whilst going through his trouser pockets and steeling his wallet.

Some drivers are so distracted that it's several hours before they realise they've been robbed.

 

This is not a joke.

This is real.

I myself was caught out by this heinous charade on Thursday, Friday, twice on Saturday.......

[poledark]

Hi Bob, I wish I had that problem :)

 

Ken L, my missus came home today saying she had lost some of her keys in the Supermarket carpark. I wonder what she had been up to

 

Den

[barry luxton]

 

Three more for Bobj

[Clifftop]

Statistics show that 10% of traffic accidents are caused by drink drivers. Therefore, it follows that 90% of accidents are caused by sober drivers.

-

-

-

-

Don't you think it's time those sober bastards got off our roads and made it a safer place for us drunks to drive?

[Ken L]

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students.

She picked a little boy to do the first test.

 

 

 

She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do

you know what it is?"

 

 

 

"No, I don't," said the little boy.

 

 

 

"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your

Mom before he goes to work."

 

 

 

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled,

 

 

 

"Spit it out! It's a piece of Ass!"

[Chris Plumb]

The 11th Husband....

 

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

 

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"

 

"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

 

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function;

but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

 

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he

just couldn't get the system up.

 

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know

when he would be able to deliver.

 

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to

research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method

 

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether

it was his job or not.

 

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

 

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist all he did was talk about it.

 

"Husband # 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

 

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it God I miss him.

 

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

 

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?"

 

"You're with the "GOVERNMENT"...........This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED. "

[Ken L]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money

between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

 

Murphy said "Hang on lad, I have an idea."

 

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large

sausage.

 

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

 

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

 

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness

and two glasses of Jameson Whisky.

 

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will

be in? We haven't got any money!!"

 

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"

 

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage

through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

 

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and thre w them out.

 

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all

for free.

 

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more

of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!"

 

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third

pub"

[Clifftop]

good one mate.