HAVE A LAUGH

[Tog]

Kylie, Elton John and Robbie Williams are walking down a street.

 

Poor little Kylie trips over and ends up with her head stuck in some railings and her pert arse in the air.

 

"Blimy" says Robbie - I'll have me some of that!

He pulls her tiny pants to one side and shags her senseless - (well - you would wouldn't you??)

 

 

Robbie - satisfied grin on his face stands back and says 'Your turn now Elton'

 

 

Poor old Elton starts crying

 

'Whats the matter Elton me old mate?' says Robbie

 

.

.

.

.

 

'Oh Robbie - I can't get me big old head in the railings' sobs Elton.....

[Clifftop]

[Bobj]

Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin

Awards are bestowed, honoring the least-evolved among us.

 

And the glorious Winner for 2007 is:

 

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended

Victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be

Robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder.

He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it

worked.

 

And now, the Honorable Mentions:

 

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-

Cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company.

The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have

A look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a

Finger. The chef's claim was approved.

 

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his

Car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to

Find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

 

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus

Driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be

Transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to

Admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and

Offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered

The passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that

The patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.

The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

 

5. A Texas teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious

Head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he

Received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply

Trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train

Before he was hit.

 

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the

Counter, and asked for change.

When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and

Asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly

Provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving

The $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got

From the drawer: $15.

 

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He

Decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor

Store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the

brick and heaved it over his head at the window. The

brick bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the

Head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was

Made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

 

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a

Man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately,

and the woman was able to

Give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within

Minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in

The car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken

Out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To

Which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole

the purse from."

 

9. The Ann Arbor Michigan News crime column reported that a man

Walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 a.m.,

Flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down

Because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a

Food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they

Weren't available for breakfast.

The man, frustrated, walked away.

 

******THE 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****

 

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home

Parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained

For. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled

Up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman

Said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and

Plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by

Mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges,

Saying that it was the best laugh he'd had in a very long time.

[Clifftop]

#4 and #8 did it for me.

[Chris Plumb]

#4 and #8 did it for me.

 

Except they are 'mere' jokes and Urban Legends! The bus driver one has been doing the rounds for years...real 2007 Darwins can be senn here...

 

Meanwhile here's one for Hembo (which he's probably already done!)

 

Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, Dettori is well ahead of the field.

Suddenly he's hit on the head by a 3lb turkey and a string of sausages.

He manages to keep control of his mount and pulls back into the lead,

only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies

as he goes over the last fence. With great skill Dettori manages to

steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in,

he's struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding.

Thus distracted, he succeeds in coming only second.

After the race he immediately goes to the stewards to complain that he

has been seriously hampered.

 

 

C.

[Chris Goddard]

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69.' More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her... 'You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?'

 

 

And then!!!!!!

 

 

In a hotel room Jim Morrison is standing in one corner with the rest of his band.In another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Starr. All are naked.Marianne Faithfull walks in, drops to her knees in front of Jim Morrison and begins to play the pink oboe. Then starts on his guitarist, then moves on to his drummer and the keyboard player. When she's finished she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him. Suddenly there's a huge crash.... a Mini-Cooper smashes through the wall and Michael Caine jumps out. He grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts...."Oi, Faithfull! you were only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off

Edited January 11, 2008 by Chris Goddard

[barry luxton]

Never Argue With A Woman.

 

One morning the husband returns after several hours fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and reads her book.

 

Along comes the fisheries inspector in his boat, pulls up along side and says, 'good morning ma'am. What are you doing'?

 

'Reading a book.'

 

'Your in a fishing area and i note you have all the equipment aboard. For all i know you could start fishing at any moment.'

 

'I'm reading a book.'

 

'I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

 

'For reading a book.'

 

'Yes but you have all the equipment, for all i know you could start at anytime, so i'll have to take you in.'

 

'If you do that i will press charges for sexual assault.'

 

'But i haven't even touched you' said the inspector.

 

'Thats true, but you have all the equipment and for all i know you could start at any moment.'

 

'Have a nice day ma'am' as he left.

[Ken L]

My new girlfriend has got a tattoo of a sea shell at the top of her inner thigh.

 

It is amazing.

 

If you put your ear to it you can actually smell the sea!

[barry luxton]

My new girlfriend has got a tattoo of a sea shell at the top of her inner thigh.

 

It is amazing.

 

If you put your ear to it you can actually smell the sea!

 

Mind you don't get the seaweed stuck in yer teeth.

 

[Chris Goddard]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack. 'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?' Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns inRome?' The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.' In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them. Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all ofEurope?' The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe. 'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?' The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.' The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting...... 'Grumpy shagged a penguin!' 'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'Should the UK Adopt The Euro?A cross-section survey of 1000 people in the UK, made up of Afghans,Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis, Africans, Albanians,Bosnians, Turks, Geordies, Mackems, monkey hangers and Liverpudlians wereasked if they thought Britain should change its currency to the Euro.99% said no, they were happy with the Giro.