HAVE A LAUGH

[chesters1 1587]

If thats gravel how big's the fish tank!

[Huge_Vitae 584]

A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, “Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home?

The livestock dealer said, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?” “Hey, thanks!” the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to Mockingbird Lane?”

The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”

The little old lady said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?”

The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”

She replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket … and I’ll hold the chickens.”

Edited January 29 by Huge_Vitae

[corydoras 469]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

[corydoras 469]

What's the difference between an Italian vampire and an Italian vagina?

 

The Italian vampire is a hairy count.

[Martin56 338]

25 minutes ago, corydoras said:

What's the difference between an Italian vampire and an Italian vagina?

 

The Italian vampire is a hairy count.

What's the difference between an Italian vampire and a Brazilian type - Not sure, but maybe a close shave!! 

Edited February 23 by Martin56

[corydoras 469]

[chesters1 1587]

A geriatric nurse was asked why at 10 pm every night she gave her elderly male patients a viagra tablet

Are they all having sex with the female patients? the person asked

Goodness me no they are long past sex she said ,some cannot even remember what it was

So why then?

It stops them accidentaly rolling out of bed and hurting themselves said the canny nurse

Edited February 23 by chesters1

[Martin56 338]

I had to phone my GP today to tell him I'd taken 2 Viagra, then the wife announced she was going to her Mother's for the weekend.

So, the doctor said - Give the Au Pair one instead??

But I don't need Viagra for the Au Pair!!

Edited February 26 by Martin56

[chesters1 1587]

Another line could be in this equality PC world we live in

So,the doctor said - give the au pair one instead

The response could have been he doesn't need one!

Edited February 28 by chesters1

[Martin56 338]

You will only ever be attacked by a Shark if you're wet!!