HAVE A LAUGH

[Guest Jan V]

good one, Peggy.

[Guest Jan V]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago. Nothing is

moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window..

 

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What the heck happened? What's

the big hold Up?'

 

The man at the window says,

 

'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey,

Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10

Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and

set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

 

The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'

 

The man outside the window says....

 

'About a gallon.

[Newt]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the waiter:

 

'Want coffee.' The waiter says, 'Sure, Chief. Coming right up.'

 

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

 

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter 'Want coffee.'

 

The waiter says 'Whoa, Tonto!

We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?'

 

The Indian smiles and proudly says .. 'Training for job as politician:

Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

[ayjay]

A Mexican maid went to her mistress and asked for a pay rise; her mistress was very upset about this and asked, "Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

 

Maria: Well senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.

 

Wife: Who said you iron better than me?

 

Maria: Your husband said so.

 

Wife: Oh, and the second reason.

 

Maria: The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.

 

Wife: Nonsense, who said you are a better cook than me?

 

Maria: Your husband did

 

Wife: Oh, and the third reason?

 

Maria: My third reason is that i am a better lover than you.

 

Wife: (Who is by now really furious) Did my husband say that as well?

 

Maria: No senora, the gardener did.

 

(Maria got her pay rise).

 

 

********************************

 

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding meet with their Rabbi for counselling. The Rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

 

The man asks, 'Rabbi, we realize it's tradition at the reception for men to dance with men,

and women to dance with women. But, we'd like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world.'

 

'Absolutely not,' says the rabbi 'It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately.

 

'So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?'

'No,' answered the rabbi. 'It's forbidden.'

 

'Well, okay,' says the man, 'What about sex? Can we finally have sex?'

'Of course!,' replies the rabbi. 'Sex is a mitzvah - a good thing

within marriage, To have children!'

 

'What about different positions?' asks the man.

'No problem,' says the rabbi. 'It's a mitzvah!'

 

Woman on top?' the man asks.

'Sure,' says the rabbi. 'Go for it! It's a mitzvah!'

 

'Doggy style?'

'Sure! Another mitzvah!'

 

On the kitchen table?'

'Yes, yes! A mitzvah!'

 

'Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple

of vibrators, a Leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?'

'You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!'

 

'Can we do it standing up?'

'No.' says the rabbi.'

 

'Why not?' asks the man.

 

'Could lead to dancing.'

 

****************************

 

 

The Wisdom of An Older Man

 

 

 

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

 

'Excuse me, I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

 

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'

 

'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.

 

 

***************************

[Newt]

Now THAT is a wonderful trio.

[Clifftop]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

 

 

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned,

 

he asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

 

 

 

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

 

 

 

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

 

 

 

She did and he pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional

 

and detailed examination.

 

 

 

Motioning to her to get dressed, and the doctor said, It’s no wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

 

 

 

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandmother, but I'm glad I came today'.

[Clifftop]

Matthew was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he

sent his wife Tracey to Hammer Hardware.

 

At Hammer Hardware, Tracey saw a beautiful bathroom tap while she was

waiting for James the manager to finish waiting on a customer.

 

When James was finished with the customer, Tracey asked 'How much for

that tap?'

 

James replied, 'That's pewter and it's $300.'

 

'Heck, that sure is expensive!' Tracey exclaimed. Then she

proceeded to describe the hinge that Matthew had sent her to buy, and

James went out the back to find it.

 

From the back room James yelled, 'Tracey, d'ya wanna screw for that

hinge?'

 

Tracey replied, 'No, but I will for the tap.'

 

................... And this is why you can't send a woman to Hammer

Hardware.

[Newt]

I was talking to a friend of mine's little girl, and she said she wanted

to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were

standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President what would be the

first thing you would do?"

 

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

 

"Wow - what a worthy goal," I told her. "You don't have to wait until

you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the

grass, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll

take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and

you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house."

 

She thought that over for a few seconds 'cause she's only 6. And while

her Mom glared at me, she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why

doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay

him the $50?"

 

And I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

 

Her folks still aren't talking to me.

[Alan Stubbs]

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,

his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

 

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,

I know you'll forgive me.'

She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

 

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

 

The husband, rejected, turns over.

 

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

 

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Bill worked in a pickle factory.

He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day

to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

 

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

 

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

 

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

 

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

 

'Yes, I did.' he replied.

 

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

 

'I got fired.'

 

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

 

'Oh...she got fired too.'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

A couple had been married for 50 years.

 

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

 

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

 

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

 

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

 

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

 

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

 

======================================

[Bobj]

In the Olympic spirit !!!!!!!

 

These are hilarious!!!

 

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the last Olympics that they would like to take back

 

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

 

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

 

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

 

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries,and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

 

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

 

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

 

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

 

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian d#cks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven d#cks on the field."

 

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . .. Oh my God, what have I just said?"