HAVE A LAUGH

[hembo]

Our local cemetery has just raised its prices for burial plots.

 

Not only that, but the cheeky bastards have the nerve to blame it on the cost of living

[Ken L]

Beer goggles

[Ken L]

Or try this site.

 

1. TYPE YOUR FIRST NAME ON THE 1st LINE

 

2. TYPE YOUR LAST NAME ON THE 2nd LINE

 

(Skip your e-mail address.)

 

3. Click on 'Vizualizar' and watch what happens ... & don't ask me how they do that!!!!!

[Chris Goddard]

Tahir and Habib are London beggars. They beg in different areas of the West End.

 

Habib begs just as long as Tahir but only collects £10-15 every day.

 

Tahir brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes every day, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

 

Habib says to Tahir 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?’

 

Tahir says, .... 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

 

Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.'

 

Tahir says ' No wonder you no more than £15 a day

Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?

 

Tahir shows Habib his sign......

 

It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan'.

[Clifftop]

Getting a hair dryer through customs

 

 

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the

 

Priest beside her,'Father, may I ask a favour?'

 

 

 

'Of course my child. What may I do for you?'

 

 

 

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for

 

my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs

 

limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you

 

could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

 

 

 

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not

 

lie.'

 

 

 

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

 

 

 

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

 

The official asked,'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

 

 

 

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to

 

declare.'

 

 

 

The official thought this answer strange, so asked,

 

'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

 

 

 

'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman,

 

but which is, to date, unused.'

 

 

 

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.

 

Next!'

[Clifftop]

A minister, whose congregation usually spurned

seats in the front of the church, was surprised to

see one chap, a stranger, sitting in the front row

on his own.

 

After the sermon the minister asked the man why

he had sat in the front row all alone.

 

The man replied, "I am a bus driver and wanted to

find out how you get people to move to the back

without yelling at them".

Edited August 12, 2008 by Clifftop

[Chris Goddard]

A guy went into a sex shop and asked for an inflatable doll

Asked male or female

He said female

Asked black or white

He answered white

Asked Christian or Muslim

He said what the hell has religion got to do with it?

Answer

Muslim blows Itself up

 

Or try this site.

 

1. TYPE YOUR FIRST NAME ON THE 1st LINE

 

2. TYPE YOUR LAST NAME ON THE 2nd LINE

 

(Skip your e-mail address.)

 

3. Click on 'Vizualizar' and watch what happens ... & don't ask me how they do that!!!!!

 

 

Ken, just the ONE question, (Never MING how?) HOW do you find these things!!

 

Brilliant!

[Newt]

An older, retired pharmaceutical manager, white haired man walked into a

jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blond woman at his

side.

 

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

 

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

 

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

 

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another

ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

 

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

 

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by

check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you

can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up

Monday afternoon,' he said.

 

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that

account.'

 

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

 

All Seniors Aren't Senile!!!

[five bellies]

An older, retired pharmaceutical manager, white haired man walked into a

jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blond woman at his

side.

 

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

 

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

 

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

 

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another

ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

 

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

 

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by

check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you

can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up

Monday afternoon,' he said.

 

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that

account.'

 

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

 

All Seniors Aren't Senile!!!

 

 

I had to read that twice to get it

 

but very good

[Peggy Burke]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

 

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my

husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he

UNcharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet

paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'.

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in

front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

'How long will this take?' I asked.

'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between

my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your bum, didn't it?'