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Good one, mate :thumbs::thumbs:

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Bush and tells him:

"George, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country,

and on each house I saw a banner."

 

 

"What did it say on the banners?" Bush asks. Mahmud replies, "ALLAH IS GOD, GOD IS ALLAH."

 

Bush says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called. Last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely, and on each house flew an enormous banner."

 

 

"What could you see on the banners?" Mahmud says.

 

 

 

Bush replies, "I don't know, I can´t bloody´ read Hebrew !"

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Cheers, Bobj.

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I ordered a Chinese meal last night. Chinese driver came to our door and I walked out to meet him. He started shouting "isolate" "isolate" I said you’re not that late, I only ordered 25 minutes ago!

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Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation.

 

One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I have been hearing very nasty rumours!" The crowd fell into an expectant silence.

 

The Minister continued, "One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded 'Ku Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty party confess and apologise now - right here - before my flock of loyal followers."

 

A nun quickly stood up blushing and trembling and pleaded, "Minister, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just mentioned to one of the other nuns that you were a wizard under the sheets."

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Cheers, Bobj.

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A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project.

The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."

The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?"

"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."

"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?"

"Umm. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"

"No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree."

"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance."

"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving.

You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains.

Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days 'til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance."

So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.

He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before.

True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream.

The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.

When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey.

Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.

Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film their Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance."

"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"

"Not 'til next year."

"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?"

"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year."

The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.

The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong.

Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree.

They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.

Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the village.

Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon.

"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"

The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on film as dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins.

Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire.

A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief, "What's he doing?"

"Hush," whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.

The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.

The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing,

He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about..."

The salary of the chief executive of a large corporation is not a market award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself.

John Kenneth Galbraith

 

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Oh!!!! Those Exams :wallbash::wallbash:

 

# Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all lived in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot.

 

# Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He dies before he ever reached Canada.

 

# Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

 

# The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

 

# Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of that name.

 

# Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

 

# In the Olympic games, the Greeks ran races, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

 

# Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

 

# Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out :"Tee hee, Brutus."

 

# Finally, Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence.

 

# In midevil times most people were alliterate.The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

 

# The ancient britons had rushed mating on the floor of their huts.

 

# It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenburg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of the blood. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the globe with a 100 foot clipper.

 

# The greatest write of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

 

# The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

 

# One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally, the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

 

# Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to bare arms.

 

# Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

 

# Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Handel was half German half Italian and Half English. He was very large.

 

# Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music.

 

# The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine.

 

# Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.

 

# The First World War, cased by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

 

# The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.

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Cheers, Bobj.

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Why you failed your Science Final

THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS:

 

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.

 

The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.

 

To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.

 

The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.

 

A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

 

The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

 

The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.

 

To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

 

Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.

 

Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

 

Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.

 

A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.

 

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

 

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

 

An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.

 

We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.

 

English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.

 

By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.

 

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

 

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

 

A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.

 

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

 

A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.

 

The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.

 

When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.

 

It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.

 

Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.

 

For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.

 

For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.

 

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

 

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

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Cheers, Bobj.

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Church Bulletin Bloopers

 

1) Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.

 

2) Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

 

3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

 

4) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

 

5) The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

 

6) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

 

7) Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

 

8) Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

 

9) Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.

 

10) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

 

11) The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.

 

12) Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

 

13) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

 

14) A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

 

15) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

 

16) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

 

17) The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

 

18) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

 

19) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

 

20) Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

 

21) The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

 

22) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child.

 

23) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

 

24) The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

 

25) The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours."

 

A few more.....

Church bulletin bloopers

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

 

2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER &FASTING Conference: The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.

 

3. The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

 

4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

 

5. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

 

6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

 

7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

 

8. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say hell to someone who doesn't care much about you.

 

9. Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.

 

10. Miss Charlene Mason sang I will not pass this way again, giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

 

11. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

 

12. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

 

13. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

 

14. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

 

15. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing Break Forth into Joy.

 

16. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

 

17. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

 

18. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

 

 

 

20. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

 

 

 

22. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

 

23. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

 

24. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

 

25. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. - prayer and medication to follow.

 

 

 

27. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

 

28. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

 

29. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

 

30. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

 

31. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

 

 

 

 

33. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

 

34. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

Let you who is without sin cast the first stone.

Edited by Bobj

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Cheers, Bobj.

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THE PICTURE ON THE NIGHT STAND

>>>

>>>

>>> After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another

man on

>>>her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

>>>

>>> "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

>>>

>>> "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

>>>

>>> "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues

>>>

>>> "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

>>>

>>> "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be

reassured.

>>>

>>> "No, no, no!!!" she answers.

>>>

>>> "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

>>>

>>> "That''s me before the surgery."

The salary of the chief executive of a large corporation is not a market award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself.

John Kenneth Galbraith

 

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:thumbs::thumbs:

 

Exam time again.....

KID SCIENCE

 

The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and class room discussions.

 

Question: What is one horsepower? Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

 

You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.

 

Talc is found on rocks and on babies.

 

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

 

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

 

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

 

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

 

While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

 

Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

 

South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

 

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

 

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

 

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

 

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.

 

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.

 

Lime is a green-tasting rock.

 

Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

 

Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

 

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

 

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.

 

To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

 

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

 

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

 

Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.

 

I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

 

Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.

 

Clouds are high flying fogs.

 

Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

 

Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.

 

We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.

 

Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

 

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

 

In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

 

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.

 

A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

 

A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

 

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

 

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

 

Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

 

It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

 

The wind is like the air, only pushier.

 

NOTES FROM PARENTS

 

"My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. today,Please execute him."

 

"Please excuse Mary for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot."

 

"Please excuse Fred for being. It was his father's fault."

 

"Please ackuse Fred being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and 33,"

 

"Mary was absent from school yesterday as she was having a gangover."

 

"Mary could not come to school today because she was bother by very close veins."

 

"Fred has an acre in his side."

 

"Please excuse Fred from P.E. for a few days. He fell yesterday out of a tree and misplaced his hip."

 

"Please excuse Mary from Jim yesterday. She is administrating."

 

"Please excuse Fred for being absent. He had a cold and could not breed well."

 

"Please excuse Mary. She has been sick and under the doctor."

 

"Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps."

 

"John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face."

 

"Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part."

 

"My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines."

 

"Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels."

 

"Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night."

 

"George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach."

 

"Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout."

 

"Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals."

 

"Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits."

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Cheers, Bobj.

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World History According to Students

This history of the world has been compiled by Richard Lederer from actual student bloopers and mistakes collected by teachers.

 

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

 

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

 

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

 

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

 

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

 

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

 

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

 

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

 

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

 

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

 

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself be fore her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

 

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In on of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

 

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the 6cPilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

 

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

 

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

 

George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

 

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

 

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees.

 

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

 

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.

 

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

 

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

 

The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

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Cheers, Bobj.

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