HAVE A LAUGH

[John S]

The Gunfighter

 

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.

 

The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink,and told him the story of his great ambition. Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

 

The old man looked him up and down and said, "well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

 

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy, Got anymore tips for me?"

 

Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

 

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.

 

"Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here - got anymore tips?"

 

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

 

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

 

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

 

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

 

"No," said the old timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much"

[Clifftop]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

 

My wife asks, 'Do you know her?'

 

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and heard she hasn't been sober since.'

 

'My Goodness!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

[Huge_Vitae]

[Guest Jan V]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

 

1. Innovative

 

2. Preliminary

 

3. Proliferation

 

4. Cinnamon

 

 

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

 

1. Specificity

 

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

 

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

 

4. Transubstantiate

 

 

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

 

1. No thanks, I'm married.

 

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

 

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

 

4. Taco Bell ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

 

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

 

6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

 

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

 

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!

 

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

 

10. I must be going home now; I have to work in the morning.

[Bobj]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

 

1. Innovative

 

2. Preliminary

 

3. Proliferation

 

4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

 

1. Specificity

 

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

 

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

 

4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

 

1. No thanks, I'm married.

 

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

 

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

 

4. Taco Bell ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

 

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

 

6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

 

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

 

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!

 

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

 

10. I must be going home now; I have to work in the morning.

Not speaking from experience, I hope....But then, married to someone whose family is from Arkansas, I wonder :yeah:

[Guest Jan V]

I wonder quite often, too, Bob

[Newt]

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

 

There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

 

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

 

The receptionist said, "Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?"

 

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

 

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

 

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

 

The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

 

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

 

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

 

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

 

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

 

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

 

"I can't pee out of it," he replied.

 

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

 

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

[Huge_Vitae]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to

get it started".

 

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished"?

 

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger".

 

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help. She shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

 

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,” First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

 

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have

a nice cup of tea, and then..... " He sighed, "let's put all these Frosties back in the box".

[Bobj]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

That must have been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fff ff' .. .and before he could say "F@@k" the dog ate him!

[Newt]

ROF @ that one Bobj.