HAVE A LAUGH

[Guest Jan V]

THE LIE DETECTOR

 

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual

gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

 

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.

It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

 

It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son

returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

 

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting

home?', they asked.

 

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit

project' said Tommy.

 

The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking

him completely out of his chair.

 

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went

after school.'

 

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

 

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

 

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

 

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking

him off his chair.

 

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I'm sorry I lied.

We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

 

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

 

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse

right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

 

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you

ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

 

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her

three times.

[peterpikefisher]

CHINESE PROVERBS

 

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

 

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

Man who run in front of car get tired.

 

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

 

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

 

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

 

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok

 

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

 

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

 

 

 

* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

 

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

 

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

 

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

 

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

 

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

 

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

 

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

 

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

 

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

 

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

 

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

 

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

 

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

Now send it to 10 or more people.

 

 

 

Nothing will happen but 10 people will be laughing

[John S]

For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

 

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

 

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

 

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

 

'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

 

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

 

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

 

On the card was written:

 

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

 

Three with meatballs, two without.

 

Send extra sauce.'

[Clifftop]

Ray was on holidays and decided to

stay in an Irish pub for the night.

 

The receptionist asked, "Would you

like a room with a bath or a shower".

 

Ray asked, "What's the difference?"

 

The receptionist answered, "With a

shower you stand up".

 

 

 

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling

at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me

how old the dinosaur bones are?"

 

The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."

 

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know

their age so precisely?"

 

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years

old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

Edited June 5, 2008 by Clifftop

[Bobj]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several

months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he

motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full

of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad

times.

 

When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed,

you were there. When I had my car accident, you were by my side.

 

When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started

failing, you were still by my side. You know what?'

 

'What dear?' She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with

warmth.

 

'I think you're bad luck, b****r off!'

[Guest Jan V]

:lol:

[John S]

ROFL

[Clifftop]

A man was sitting in the bar at Mascot Terminal and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself:

 

'Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an air hostess. I wonder which airline she works for.'

 

'I still call Australia home' he says to her.

 

 

 

She pulled away from him & gave an ice cold glare.

 

'Obviously not with QANTAS'. He thought.

 

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airline slogan, 'Love to fly and it shows?'

 

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself:' Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta.'

 

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head, so he leaned towards her again and said, 'Something special in the air?'

 

She gave him the same confused look, and he mentally kicked himself, while scratching Singapore Airlines off the list.

 

He thought 'Perhaps she works for Thai Airways...' and said, 'Smooth as Silk?'

 

This time the woman turned on him and said, 'What the F*** do you want?'

 

The man smiled, slumped back in his chair, and said 'Ahhhhh, Jetstar!'

[Bobj]

Snigger snigger!!!

[Guest Jan V]

Almost sad but true (and funny):