HAVE A LAUGH

[Bobj]

Harold is 92 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Harold would go to a secluded garden behind the centre to sit, smoke a cigar, listen to music, ponder his accomplishments and reflect on his long life.

 

One evening, Mildred, age 86, wandered into the garden. They began to chat, and before they knew it, several hours had passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?'

She asks, 'What?'

'SEX!!' he replies.

Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'

'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while..'

'Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was OK. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing Bas***d! ----- What does Ethel have that I don't have?'

 

Old Harold smiled happily and replied………… 'Parkinson's...'

[Bobj]

Men Do Remember Anniversaries...

 

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

 

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

 

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. “What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,

'Why are you down here at this time of night?' The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating.

 

You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

 

'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replies softly.

 

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... 'I would have got out today.'

[Newt]

LOL - a most excellent pair, Bobj.

[Bobj]

..........Students.........

"Hitler's instrumentality of terror was the Gespacho."

 

"The Civil Rights movement in the U.S.A. turned around the corner with Martin Luther Junior's famous 'If I had a hammer' speech."

 

"Revolters demanded liberty, equality and fraternities."

 

"John Calvin Klein translated the Bible into American so the people of Geneva could read it."

 

More recently, during the Carter administration, according to another student, the U.S. faced the "Iran Hostess Crisis."

 

"Joan of Arc was famous as Noah's wife."

 

"China has so many Chinese that forced birth patrol became required. This is where people are allowed to reproduce no more that one half of them elves."

 

"I don't know how many students said 'took it for granite' or misuse a common catch phrase like 'the final straw in the camel's pack.'"

[greg long]

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

 

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

 

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

 

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

 

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.

 

He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

 

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand....

 

This procedure also works in parts of Birmingham , Essex, Sunderland, Aberdeen and anywhere in Wales.

 

 

[Bobj]

Well, dere you go...De Oirish DO have a sense of humour!!

Onya, Greggie, mate.

[Ken L]

With thanks to Darwin.

 

"I was travelling in Mexico with my then wife. Like many young hands, we were in a VW van equipped with a potty to provide for our fussy American preference for sanitation and privacy.

My wife and I had been quibbling all day, due to the stifling heat and humidity of the sea level jungle in which we had been camping. We took the road toward Mexico City, hoping that higher elevation would gain us some relief from the tropical heat.

 

On a switchback road several thousand feet above sea level, my dear wife announced the need to use the convenience, and lurched toward the rear of the van. I suggested that she wait until I could pull over, but she was resolute in her determination to attend to matters promptly.

 

From the back, I heard her irritable voice say, "Why's this sodding potty rocking?" I pondered, and realized that the potty was under pressure! It had been last used at sea level, and we had gained significant elevation. The bottom of the potty was bowed with pressure, causing the rocking. And, to my good wife's impending grief and mortification, the potty was nearly full.

 

A beat too late, I called back, "Honey don't flush..."

 

I was interrupted by a mighty "WHOOSH" and a slurpy noise. Then silence. Then a horrible stench, and the unhappy sounds of my dear bride cursing like a Liverpool longshoreman. In the rear view mirror, I saw that the interior of the van was dripping with brown fluid. Since she had to face the potty to flush it, and since she hadn't put the lid down, my hapless wife had taken the full blast from the pressurized holding tank. She looked like Al Jolson in blackface.

 

Convulsed with laughter which was the proximate cause of our subsequent marital decline, I pulled over. My soon-to-be-ex lady marched down the highway cursing and dripping. When I recovered my composure, I cleaned the van and picked up my luckless hitch-hiking wife. Our conversation was limited over the next few days, and never regained it's former gaiety and charm.

 

That pressurized potty took us out of the gene pool."

[Chris Goddard]

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he

accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.

 

He went to the emergency room in Cork's hospital.

 

The doctor looked at Paddy and said,

''Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do.'

 

Paddy said, ''Oi haven't got da fingers.''

 

''Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord Tunderin'

Jesus, it's 2008. We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?''

 

And Paddy said, ' How da fock was I 'spose to pick dem up?'

[greg long]

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he

accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.

 

He went to the emergency room in Cork's hospital.

 

The doctor looked at Paddy and said,

''Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do.'

 

Paddy said, ''Oi haven't got da fingers.''

 

''Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord Tunderin'

Jesus, it's 2008. We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?''

 

And Paddy said, ' How da fock was I 'spose to pick dem up?'

 

Dats a lousy fooking accent yoove got dare fella........

 

at least he didn't castrate himself like the scouser but how did he cut off all his (8) fingers and two thumbs? did he hold the knife in his teeth?

Edited June 1, 2008 by greg long

[greg long]

Well, dere you go...De Oirish DO have a sense of humour!!

Onya, Greggie, mate.

 

 

The craic is mighty