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A journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for sixty years. So she went to the Wailing Wall to check it out and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

 

She watched him pray, and after 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

 

'Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from. What's your name?

 

'Moshe Fishbein,' he replied.

 

'Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall to pray?'

 

'For about 60 years.'

 

'60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?'

 

'I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims; and those who do not believe in a God. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.

 

I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.'

 

'And how do you feel after doing this for 60 years?

 

'Like I'm talking to a f……g' brick wall.

"Some people hear their inner voices with such clarity that they live by what they hear, such people go crazy, but they become legends"
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I ordered a Chinese meal last night. Chinese driver came to our door and I walked out to meet him. He started shouting "isolate" "isolate" I said you’re not that late, I only ordered 25 minutes ago!

Alex Salmond's colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So an official went to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities. "T

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" My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!" - Harry Truman, 33rd US President

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UK Earthquake

 

A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale has hit England this morning. The country is devastated with 500,000 English people missing, and over 100,000 injured.

 

The country is totally ruined and the government is so overwhelmed that it has issued a worldwide appeal for assistance. Other nations have been quick to respond to the disaster.

 

New Zealand is flying in rescue workers and sniffer dogs to help locate trapped victims.

The USA is flying in food supplies and aid money.

France is flying in doctors, nurses and first aid units.

Japan is flying in high tech communications equipment.

Germany is flying in special trained police squads to help restore order.

Russia is flying in tents and warm clothing.

Australia is flying in 500,000 replacement Poms.......

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Cheers, Bobj.

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Bloated, gassy feeling in your stomach with acidic belching.

 

Been for a **** four times already, and you're not even tipsy yet.

 

Weird metallic taste in your mouth, even though you watched the barmaid pour it on draught.

 

Hungover the next day, even though you were still perfectly coherent and co-ordinated when you went to bed.

 

Carlsberg do do lager...

The salary of the chief executive of a large corporation is not a market award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself.

John Kenneth Galbraith

 

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A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville, Florida, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

 

Interested, he goes to learn more - 'Can you give me some more details?' he asks the clerk.

 

The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.

 

There's an annual salary of $45,000 but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here.'

 

'Oh, is that where the job is?'

 

'No sir - that's where the end of the job applicant line for this one is right now.'

" My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!" - Harry Truman, 33rd US President

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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

 

"in honour of this holy season" St. Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."

 

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

 

"You may pass through the pearly gates" St. Peter said.

 

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

 

"You may pass through the pearly gates" St. Peter said.

 

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

 

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolise?"

 

The man replied, "These are Carol's."

Paul

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

 

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

 

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

 

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

 

At the beginning of the sermon , he got nervous and took a drink.

 

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

 

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

 

1)Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

 

2)There are 10 commandments, not 12...

 

3)There are 12 disciples, not 10.

 

4)Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

 

5)Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

 

6)We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late

J.C.

 

7)The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

 

8)David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

 

9)When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

 

10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

 

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.

 

12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry.

 

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

 

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at

ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's

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Cheers, Bobj.

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