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In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gun-fighter in the world. He practised every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who -- in his day -- had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

 

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.

 

"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

 

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

 

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

 

"Sure will," replied the old-timer.

 

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

 

"That's terrific!" he said. "Got any more tips for me?"

 

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

 

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

 

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

 

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cuff-link off the piano player.

 

"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

 

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.

 

"See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

 

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

 

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

 

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

 

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt half as much if it's greased up first."

Chris Goddard


It is to be observed that 'angling' is the name given to fishing by people who can't fish.

If GOD had NOT meant us to go fishing, WHY did he give us arms then??


(If you can't help out someone in need then don't bother my old Dad always said! My grandma put it a LITTLE more, well different! It's like peeing yourself in a black pair of pants she said! It gives you a LOVELY warm feeling but no-one really notices!))

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I ordered a Chinese meal last night. Chinese driver came to our door and I walked out to meet him. He started shouting "isolate" "isolate" I said you’re not that late, I only ordered 25 minutes ago!

Alex Salmond's colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So an official went to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities. "T

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Rural Australian Computer Terminology

A little bit of Aussie culcha.....

LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.

LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.

DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.

HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.

KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.

WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.

SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.

BYTE: What mozzies do.

MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.

CHIP: A bar snack.

MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.

MODEM: What you did to the lawns.

LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.

SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.

HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.

MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.

MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.

WEB: What spiders make.

WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.

SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.

CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.

YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.

UPGRADE: A steep hill.

SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counterlunch.

USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.

NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.

INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.

NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.

ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.

OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.

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Cheers, Bobj.

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Seamus is walking his dog on a country lane in county Kerry when he looks over a hedge and sees his neighbour'Dinny'sat in a canoe in the middle of a field,paddling like mad and getting nowhere in his waterless surroundings."Hey Dinny you thick b4stard",shouted Seamus,"what in gods name do you think your doing?,it's idiots like you who give us irish a bad name,if i could swim i'd come over there and beat the living sh*t out of you"

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Whats the difference between a terrorist and a bank manager? The terrorist seems to have a few sympathisers..

 

Due to cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off..

 

I went to the ATM today..I put in my card and got a message..' insufficient funds'...I still don't know if its me or them..

 

I wrote a cheque today and the BANK bounced..

 

Owe a bank $100.00 and they'll take you to court..Owe them $100 million and they'll take you to lunch..

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Cheers, Bobj.

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The following are all replies that British women have put on

Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing

father's details:

 

These are genuine excerpts from the forms..

 

Be sure to check number 11, It takes the prize.

 

 

 

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A

was fathered by Tyrone Munson. I am unsure as to the

identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was

conceived on the same night.

 

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child

as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly

from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men

that I think were at the party if this helps.

 

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl.

She was conceived at a party at 36 Nottingham Avenue where I

had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do

remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do

manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone

number? Thanks.

 

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter.

He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in

one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service

stations in this area, and see if he's had it replaced.

 

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter

from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was

immaculate and that he is Christ risen again..

 

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs

me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have

cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn

between doing right by you and right by the country. Please

advise.

 

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all

squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a

Royal Green Jacket..

 

8. Leroy Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up

with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at

Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

 

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that

I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs

earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched

more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive,

mine might have remained unfertilised.

 

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby,

after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure

which one made you fart.

ocker-anim.gifROO.gif

 

 

Cheers, Bobj.

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ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

 

 

Why, i bet Bobj and Clifftop can read it ok. No problem for me as i have a rush to the head at the mo with doing me morning excercises. B)

Free to choose apart from the ones where the trust poked their nose in. Common eel. tope. Bass and sea bream. All restricted.


New for 2016 TAT are the main instigators for the demise of the u k bass charter boat industry, where they went screaming off to parliament and for the first time assisting so called angling gurus set up bass take bans with the e u using rubbish exaggerated info collected by ices from anglers, they must be very proud.

Upgrade, the door has been closed with regards to anglers being linked to the e u superstate and the failed c f p. So TAT will no longer need to pay monies to the EAA anymore as that org is no longer relevant to the u k . Goodbye to the europeon anglers alliance and pathetic restrictions from the e u.

Angling is better than politics, ban politics from angling.

Consumer of bass. where is the evidence that the u k bass stock need angling trust protection. Why won't you work with your peers instead of castigating them. They have the answer.

Recipie's for mullet stew more than welcomed.

Angling sanitation trust and kent and sussex sea anglers org delete's and blocks rsa's alternative opinion on their face book site. Although they claim to rep all.

new for 2014. where is the evidence that the south coast bream stock need the angling trust? Your campaign has no evidence. Why won't you work with your peers, the inshore under tens? As opposed to alienating them? Angling trust failed big time re bait digging, even fish legal attempted to intervene and failed, all for what, nothing.

Looks like the sea angling reps have been coerced by the ifca's to compose sea angling strategy's that the ifca's at some stage will look at drafting into legislation to manage the rsa, because they like wasting tax payers money. That's without asking the rsa btw. You know who you are..

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A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

.

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..

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She said, "You have the biggest penis out of all your friends."

The salary of the chief executive of a large corporation is not a market award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself.

John Kenneth Galbraith

 

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