Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Two dwarfs

 

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

 

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH!' Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!' Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!' ... ALL NIGHT LONG.

 

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' The first mutters, 'It was

Embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection.'

 

The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed.'

ocker-anim.gifROO.gif

 

 

Cheers, Bobj.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 2.3k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Posts

I ordered a Chinese meal last night. Chinese driver came to our door and I walked out to meet him. He started shouting "isolate" "isolate" I said you’re not that late, I only ordered 25 minutes ago!

Alex Salmond's colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So an official went to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities. "T

Posted Images

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.

 

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

 

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes.

 

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man, he fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.

 

The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

 

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant and as the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

 

'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and credit card.'

Link to post
Share on other sites

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

 

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bible.

2. A silver dollar.

3. A bottle of whiskey.

4. A Playboy magazine.

 

'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up."

 

"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

 

"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

 

"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

 

"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

 

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

 

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold.

 

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna be a Politician."

" My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!" - Harry Truman, 33rd US President

Link to post
Share on other sites

Blonde Joke.

 

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls

and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

 

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

 

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said,

"It's golf balls."

 

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,

deeply thinking about what he had said.

 

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any

longer, she asked,

 

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Chris Goddard


It is to be observed that 'angling' is the name given to fishing by people who can't fish.

If GOD had NOT meant us to go fishing, WHY did he give us arms then??


(If you can't help out someone in need then don't bother my old Dad always said! My grandma put it a LITTLE more, well different! It's like peeing yourself in a black pair of pants she said! It gives you a LOVELY warm feeling but no-one really notices!))

Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted to Craig's List / Personals:

 

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 2009-05-27,

 

1:43 AM EST.

 

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

 

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment, I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

 

Obviously you agree must that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it! I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

 

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet [That made his day!]

 

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car. Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. The phone company just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?

 

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

 

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

 

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

 

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

 

P.S. Remember this motto...An armed society makes for a more civil society!

" My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!" - Harry Truman, 33rd US President

Link to post
Share on other sites
P.S. Remember this motto...An armed society makes for a more civil society!

 

Or a society that condones theft, fraudulent use of credit cards, damage to property, wasting police and federal agency time, and of course one where a large number of people go round smelling of sh*t. :P:D

 

 

John.

Angling is more than just catching fish, if it wasn't it would just be called 'catching'......... John

Link to post
Share on other sites

Didn't realise you had a FEDERAL agency in UK John?? But could be the same eh? :)

 

Bloody good read though!

Chris Goddard


It is to be observed that 'angling' is the name given to fishing by people who can't fish.

If GOD had NOT meant us to go fishing, WHY did he give us arms then??


(If you can't help out someone in need then don't bother my old Dad always said! My grandma put it a LITTLE more, well different! It's like peeing yourself in a black pair of pants she said! It gives you a LOVELY warm feeling but no-one really notices!))

Link to post
Share on other sites

Much cheaper than a trial would have been. Certainly much cheaper than housing that scrote at tax payer's expense for a year or three and more likely to have a lasting effect.

" My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!" - Harry Truman, 33rd US President

Link to post
Share on other sites
cheaper than housing that scrote at tax payer's expense for a year or three and more likely to have a lasting effect.

 

Yes, the next time he goes out a' mugging he will take a firearm too, and (smart) Alex might not be around to write letters. The 'dirty Harry' style keeps the United States among the highest in violent crimes among industrialized nations.

"Some people hear their inner voices with such clarity that they live by what they hear, such people go crazy, but they become legends"
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sure your system of having armed crooks and unarmed citizens is vastly superior even though the FBI crime statistics for the past 10 years or so show a marked decrease in violent crime in areas where it is easy for any citizen with no criminal record to get a permit to carry a concealed firearm.

" My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!" - Harry Truman, 33rd US President

Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...