HAVE A LAUGH

[Slack lines]

Touché Huge An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an @r$ehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours

 

*************************

 

Huge Vitae, flying over the Atlantic, when the Pilot comes onto the P.A. system and says“We are presently experiencing engine problems with the number four engine and this means we shall be an hour late arriving at our destination”10 minutes later, the P.A. sparks up and it’s the Pilot again “I’m sorry folks, but we are now experiencing problems with the number three engine as well, and our arrival will be delayed by another 2 hours. 15 minutes later, up sparks the P.A. and it is the Pilot again, this time announcing trouble with the number two engine and announcing a further 3 hours delay. At this point, Huge Vitae turns to the now very worried passenger sitting next to him and says “Jesus, I hope the number one engine doesn’t play up too, or we’ll be up here all bloody day”

Edited April 17, 2008 by Slack lines

[Huge_Vitae]

Not quite there Slack Lines. At least I wrote mine myself not copied it from the Blond joke thread.

 

3/10 must try harder

[Slack lines]

It was an Irish joke mate, not a blonde

 

Huge Vitae head walks into a pub and he walks up to this little fella sat in the corner and gives him a slap around the chops and says that was sumo from Japan and then walks back out of the pub, he then returns 5 minutes later and walks back up to the little fella and gives him a chop around the neck and says that is karate from China he then goes and sits in the corner. when the little fella comes around he leaves only to return 5 minutes later, he walks up to Huge Vitae and knocks him clean out, the little fella turns to the landlord and says when that t**t wakes up tell him that was a shovel from B&Q.

[Huge_Vitae]

It was an Irish joke mate, not a blonde

I prefer to believe Emz...........

 

'Apr 22 2005[/b], 07:30 PM' post='210547']

 

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".

 

Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".

 

An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".

 

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day" lol

[John S]

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911 you are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

 

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. Allah be Praised."

 

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 you are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

 

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. Allah is Great."

 

Pause....

 

Saudi Air: "ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"

 

Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911."

 

audi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."

 

Atlanta ATC:

 

"Well bless your hearts and praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us!!

[barry luxton]

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911 you are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

 

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. Allah be Praised."

 

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 you are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

 

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. Allah is Great."

 

Pause....

 

Saudi Air: "ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"

 

Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911."

 

audi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."

 

Atlanta ATC:

 

"Well bless your hearts and praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us!!

 

Can i post my smiling jesus hung up poster now.

[John S]

 

Can i post my smiling jesus hung up poster now.

 

Since it isn't Easter now - yes, you have permission from the senior mod (with the possible exception of Gaffer)

[John S]

A Lancastrian and a Londoner were seated next to a Yorkshireman on an overseas flight. After a few pints, the men began discussing their home lives.

 

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Lancastrian bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

 

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Londoner responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

 

When the Yorkshireman remained silent, the Lancastrian smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

 

"Once," he replied.

 

"Only once?" the Londoner arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

 

"Don't stop."

 

 

[Guest Jan V]

:lol:

[Slack lines]

'Tis a tad early, however..........

 

A Seasonal Request

 

Now I've tried all the normal approaches

All the pick-ups an' chat-ups an' stuff

Tried mi hand at so-phistication

Wi' some girls who were nowt if not rough

I've been seen down the discos an' dances

Bought cocktails for them as were broke

In mi quest for the perfect companion

Who'd see me as her perfect bloke

 

I've dealt with the best datin' agents

I've filled in their forms an' told lies

About how I'm just like a male model

Wi' tight buttocks an' sparklin' blue eyes

I've squandered mi wages on chatlines

Spent two quid a minute on t' phone

Where I've ended up gaggin' for Charleen

Even though she weighs thirty-two stone

 

I've frequented bars down the dockside

Where there's ladies that's best left alone

An' I've offered mi body quite freely

But I've allus walked home on mi own

So just cos it's comin' up Christmas

An' I've no soddin' prospects in store

I'm wazzin' this e-mail to Lapland dot com

An' I'm hopin' that this time I'll score

 

Dear Santa, please bring me a woman

Fer some fun in mi fifty-third year

Let's forget all the monogrammed hankies

All the socks an' the chocs an' the beer

You could leave me a fun-lovin' floozie

Or a perfectly sweet English rose

An' what could be quite stonkin' is a lass who loves bonkin'

Now I really would like one o' those

 

Please bring a voluptuous woman

A partner, a pal an' a mate

I can take for a romp in the boudoir

Wi'out havin' the need to inflate

Perhaps I should spare you the detail

But a session's got nowt to enthral

When your off up to bed wi' a bike pump

An' a puncture repair kit an' all

 

Please bring me a home-lovin' woman

Cos I've brushed-up mi cookin' technique

No Spam, egg an' chips like mi mam does

But dishes that's sexy an' chic

We'll have seafood an' hot, sticky puddin'

Drink wine 'til we're Mozart an' Liszt

Then I'll make several filthy suggestions

Till she finds one she just can't resist

 

Please bring me an underwear woman

A lingerie kind of a dame

Who loves to wear silky suspenders

An' doesn't mind me doin' t' same

We can twang at each others elastics

Then I'll climb up the cupboards (top shelf)

Where I'll fling off mi big, baggy Y-Fronts

An' dive in, like the Devil himself

 

Please bring me a kind, carin' woman

Cos I know I've gone well past mi prime

But I'm sure I can still do the business

If I just take mi tablets on time

I won't pester no more, that's a promise

You won't hear me again, not one squeak

So Santa, please bring me a woman

An' a fresh one each night of the week