HAVE A LAUGH

[Martin56]

Went to see my GP about my Hemorrhoids  last week & she prescribed some Suppositories then asked  me to see her in a weeks time.

I went back & told her that for what good they did - I might as well have shoved them up my Arse!!  

[chesters1]

DOH!

[Huge_Vitae]

Extract from Tony Blair's book!

'I had regularly started jogging out of Downing Street . On each run I happened to jog past a hooker (prostitute) standing on the same street corner, day after day.

With some apprehension I would brace myself as I approached her for what was most certainly

to follow.

"Fifty Pounds!" she would shout from the kerb.

"No way, 50 pence!" I fired back.

This ritual between myself and the hooker continued for days.

I'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty Pounds!"

And I'd yell back "50 pence!"

One day, however, my wife Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany me on my jog.

As we jogged nearer the problematic street corner, I realised the "pro" would bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what I had really been doing on all my past outings.

I realised I'd need to have a damn good explanation for my illustrious lawyer wife.

As we jogged into the turn that would take us past the corner, I became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker.

I tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair of us jog past.

Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled,

"See what you get for 50 pence?!!"

[chesters1]

Spent to much imho

[Ken L]

50p?

I thought that was the price of the stamp - not the postbox.

[*Ant*]

[Huge_Vitae]

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter to the family.

 

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well, hope youse are too? Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are dead because we’ve been on a ’route march’ - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target! You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can’t complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila.

[chesters1]

Classic !

[Martin56]

Wayne Rooney, the new Derby County Manager - Didn't think he could even spell "Darbi" !!!

Edited January 15, 2021 by Martin56

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Democracy Defined

When the wolf asks the rabbit if he would rather be eaten for lunch or supper

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