HAVE A LAUGH

[barry luxton]

har har har

 

gawed, go have a lie down phone.

[barry luxton]

 

 

Most of our generation of 50+ was HOME SCHOOLED in many ways.

 

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

 

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

 

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

 

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

 

4. My father taught me LOGIC.

" Because I said so, that's why."

 

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

 

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

 

7. My father taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

 

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

 

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

 

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

 

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

 

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

 

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

 

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .

"Stop acting like your father!"

 

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

 

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

 

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"

 

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

 

19. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

 

20. My father taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

 

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

 

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

 

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

 

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

 

25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

[Huge_Vitae]

In order to gain some data prior to attempting the head transplant Dr Sergio Canavero has operated on former PM Tony Blair , in an upto know secret operation Mr Blair has received an As* Hole transplant.

 

The operation was a success but unfortunately some days later the As* Hole rejected him.

[corydoras]

Following Christopher Lee's death, The Sun have written a full article about Dracula.

He didn't appear in The Mirror though.

[John S]

[barry luxton]

 

resurrected, like the funeral competition, first class:

 

http://wn.com/dave_allen_on_death_funeral_sketch

[Phone]

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets

 

Phone

[chesters1]

the second one was excellent mr bush

[Bobj]

AN IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale ... it's true. ~~~~~~~~~~~~

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John , desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John , paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.... !

 

 

Look Paddy....there's that feckin idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

[wotnobivvy]

IDIOT SIGHTING No.1

My daughter and I went to the McDonald's checkout to pay our bill and I gave the clerk a £5 note.

Our total bill was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece.

She said, 'You gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'

She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.'

The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's in St Albans , Hertfordshire.!!

 

IDIOT SIGHTING No2

We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Garador repair since.

Happened in Moor Park , near Watford .

 

IDIOT SIGHTING No3

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign from our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road!

I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing, any-more.'

Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING No 4

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.

From South Oxhey , Hertfordshire.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING No 5

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,

'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened at Luton Airport

 

IDIOT SIGHTING No 6

The traffic light on the corner buzzes when the lights turn red and it is safe to cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine.

She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a Local County Council employee in St Albans ,

Hertfordshire. (And she's NOT blonde)

 

IDIOT SIGHTING No7

When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the Driver's door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door-handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'it's open!'

His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans , Hertfordshire.

 

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us.

AND THEY BREED!