HAVE A LAUGH

[Bobj]

The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know

just what you're wanting. For $5, I'll have sex with you

right over there in that rocking chair."

 

The old lady looked surprised, but didn't say a word.

 

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on

that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take

you back to my room, light some candles, and give you

the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

 

The old lady still said nothing, but after a couple

minutes, she started digging down in her purse.

She pulled out a wrinkled $20 bill and held it up.

 

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," said the old man.

 

"Get serious," she replied. "I want it four times in the rocking chair".

[bluezulu]

whats blue an white and goes BEEP, BEEP,BEEP,BEEP ?

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birmingham city's open top bus reversing back into the garage!

[greg long]

Joe, a successful man by most standards, began to be bothered by some incredible headaches. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who claimed he could solve the problem.

 

"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one **** of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles," said the doctor.

 

Joe was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to accept the operation.

 

He left the hospital with his mind was clear and no headache. As he walked past a men's clothing store, he thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." Joe entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like to see some of your suits."

 

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . . size 44 long."

 

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

 

"It's my job," replied the salesman. Joe tried on the suit and it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

 

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure . . " The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see . . . .34 sleeve and 17 neck."

 

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

 

It's my job," said the salesman. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe looked in the mirror and adjusted the collar, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

 

Joe was on a roll, so he said, "Sure . . . "

 

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see. . 9 Wide."

 

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

 

It's my job," said the salesman. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

 

Joe thought for a second, and said, "Sure . . . "

 

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see ... size 36." Joe laughed and said, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

 

The salesman shook his head and said, "You shouldn't wear a size 34. Eventually it will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one **** of a headache."

[Jim Roper]

An Irishman, a Scot and an Englisman walked into a pub.

 

The barman said.

 

"Is this a joke?"

[ayjay]

I expect Hembo can recycle this one somewhere.

 

 

 

Two vampires wanted to go out to eat . . .

. . .but were having a little trouble deciding where to go. They were a little tired of the local food in Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic. After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy because they had heard that Italian food was really good.

 

So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice. On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner. A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way. As they neared, the vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below. The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have seconds. Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the first - sucked dry and tossed into the canal below.

 

Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert. In a short while a third young couple provides just that. As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal.

 

The vampires had had a marvellous dinner but it was time to head back home. As they started to walk away they began to hear singing. They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge. As they listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal. They looked over the rail and saw a huge alligator in the water under the bridge, feasting on the bodies.

 

They listened as the alligator sang:

 

You don't know what the alligator sang, do you?

 

Are you ready?

 

Are you sure?

 

Here it comes....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Drained wops keep falling on my head..."

[poledark]

Join the top class Ayjay.

 

:)

 

 

Den

[Newt]

Ten Commandments The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians!

 

It creates a hostile work environment.

[Sportsman]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.

 

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

 

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

[kleinboet]

Colonel Reginald Digby-smythe walked into the local brothel and said "If I show you something special, may I partake in one of your girls for gratis" The madam agreed so the colonel dropped his pants and looked at his member and said "'TENSHUN!!" his member rose. He then said "AT EASE" and his member went flaccid! The madam called the girls in to watch "TENSHUN - AT EASE" and the member did just that!

He was paired up with a woman and went up to her room. He got inside, dropped his pants and said "TENSHUN!" but the member, sick of this, refused.

The colonel sat on the bed and started to w**k the woman said "what are you doing"

 

 

The colonel replied "Simple my dear, he refused to obey orders, so I am giving him a dishonorable discharge!!"

Edited May 6, 2009 by kleinboet

[wellyphant]

A vampire bat arrives back at his roost with his face,mouth and teeth dripping with blood.All the other bats become very excited and asked him where he got it all from.

 

"Follow me" says the blood soaked vampire and off they flew,over the river,over the hills and into a dark forest.

 

"See that oak tree over there?"he asks,,"Yes" they reply,,"Well i f*#king didn't"